Thanks for your posts Micky.
I too am a Christian and you are quite correct, and also believe in forgiveness. I also believe in treating others with respect and dignity, in the same way that I would like to be treat,
“Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us”.
But we should all bear/bare in mind, an eye for an eye a tooth for a tooth.
I don’t suggest for one minute that you have deliberately or intentialy neglected your kids.
Addiction makes us blind as to how others are feeling. All you have to do is look in the F+F forum to see how the kids of CGs feel.
Do you really know how your kids felt when you were gambling?
I’m sure you didn’t deliberately get yourself locked up Micky, I don’t even know if it was gambling related. However whatever the reason, I’m pretty sure your loved ones would have felt neglected, and felt as if you didn’t care. Also when they found out you’ve been gambling and throwing away good money after bad, like most non addicted people, they will see it as a very selfish and uncaring thing.
I do agree that gambling is connected with mental health. Depression can lead to addiction, addiction can lead to depression. It’s a real chicken and egg scenario for some people. For others they may have had a long history of mental health issues, not neccasarily depression, before becoming addicted. There are other people who’ve been addicted for years before the symptoms of mental health issues manifest themselves.
I have had spells in psychiatric wards and was on Prozac for a number of years. I had gambled for many years beforehand though.
Addiction isn’t just a manifestation of mental illness though, lots of people will be addicted without being diagnosed with any mental health issues. However problem gambling itself is recognised by the WHO ( world health organisation ) as a mental health issue. It is also recognised now by the NHS, I know that because when I went to the soho gambling clinic when it first opened I had to be referred by my doctor. I believe it’s different now, but am not sure.
Micky I’m on your side with this, you say the estrangement is permanent how do you know?
You’re kids have witnessed you, in their eyes and minds, fucking your life up again and again. Recovery can reap rewards mate, you do not know what the future holds neither do your kids.
If they see you actively in recovery for a long period, in their eyes you may have “mended your ways”.
It’s great you’ve found Standalone.org and know that you’re not alone with this, keep talking. It may take years and years, but maybe when you reach 60, your project may reap bigger rewards than you can imagine. It may never happen that you get reconciled with your kids, and would probably be unlikely if you can’t get the addiction off your back. But nothing is impossible, staying in recovery will certainly enhance the chances of them seeing you in a different light.
I never ever thought I would be reconciled with my partner after she chucked me out 8 years ago. She let me back when I went to rehab, but I gambled again and was out. I was penniless, homeless, and on the streets destitute. I didn’t hate her, I loved her and could not understand how she could do this to me. She loved me too, but not my addiction. She done it because my addiction was ruining her life and that of her child, which then has a knock on effect. She couldn’t understand the gambling, it made her mood different which effected the way she was with other people. She was brave and decided she had to do it. For her, she realised that she couldn’t help me, she had tried countless times. If I was going to let the addiction continue to ruin my life, she wasn’t going to let it ruin hers.
That relationship was over completely. After 4 years or so she began another relationship and looked happy. ( I seen on Facebook). I accepted we would never be a couple again. It took a long long time to accept the fact she wouldn’t see me again. I remembered the scerinity prayer.
Accept the things I can not change. ( I couldn’t change the fact she had a new happy relationship, and she was obviously adamant that I would not feature on her life again).
The courage to change the things I can. ( I could stop gambling, it was a choice I could make).
And the wisdom to know the difference. (Instead of getting frustrated and depressed because she wouldn’t have me back, accept it and get on with my recovery. Because, after all, even without her in my life, my life would be so much better without gambling in it).
The moral of the story Micky is that we are back together now things are better than they ever were (it didn’t work out with the other partner). This is eight years after she first chucked me out for good. My relationship with my daughter gets better little by little year after year, but I fear it will be a long time, if ever before she can completely forgive me, trust me, or even understand.
Remember the serenity prayer Micky. God didn’t give you the addiction he gave you free will, the same as everybody else.
I’m not having a go Micky, please don’t take it as such, and I do appreciate your replies.
I also noticed you didn’t mention your kitty/tin in either of them, are you going to put it somewhere safe?.
Mate things can work themselves out, it takes us years to reach the bottom, so it may take years for us to get back up again. Don’t give up. Anybody who’s been on this forum for years and knows my story will tell you that I’m always going on about talking about my problems to others, and without doing this I know I’d still be up shit street mate.
Onwards and upwards Micky.