Dear diary
I believe there is a Higher Power. Look where all these writing lead me now.
It exposes my mask in recovery. My stubbornness puts on a mask which says to the world, “It’s not me—it’s just this situation.
Is stubbornness the chief of all the defects hindering my recovery? I really don’t know.
I have a tendency to justify my situation and gamble
I have a tendency to argue against staying gambling free on seemingly logical ground.
This is how I put on my stubborn mask in recovery.
Stubbornness is the tendency to resist any change.
Why do I resist change (staying gamble free)?
I want instant solution and quickest way to fix my financial problem. I was anxious and impatient, I gamble to get instant gratification. I don’t need to wait.
It was hard to see a problem and sit on it. Be still and stay calm. It takes a clear mind and strength to do nothing now and manage the problem over time. I struggle with this thought.
What am I afraid of (staying gamble free)?
Recovery is very slow, especially repayment or saving plan. I am impatient of waiting.
“The personality with stubbornness is over-sensitive to the possibility of having sudden or unwanted change imposed upon itself, and sees the threat of it everywhere.
Anything new or different or involving change is perceived (subconsciously at least) as a direct threat—even if the change in question is positive and in the person’s best interests.”
I don’t know what negative experience I had when I was young, why do I become over sensitive and over react, why do I see change or staying gambling free as a threat to my situation.
I don’t understand why I have constant fear, feeling of insecurity and instability. Mood altering substance and behavior like alcohol and slot machine made things worst.
Why did I refuse to stay gamble free?
Feel that my money is not enough, I want more (contented money is enough, I don’t need some more – happy and grateful for what I have and not be unhappy about what I don’t have)
Cannot wait ( I need to give up my self-will, staying calm and patience, it will turn out alright )
Acting out in self destructive acts or greedy ways ( I need to give up desires or selfish, self-centered, self-seeking ways – selflessness and sacrifice)
I cried I have no shoe until I saw a man on the street with no feet.
Why do I block out this new and unfamiliar gamble free life?
Fear, insecurity and instability ( I need to have confident, faith and believe that everything will be fine in the end without the gambling win )
Why did I think that I can still control alcohol and gambling?
False Pride ( but I was beaten by gambling – humility)
Why did I think that I can take alcohol and gamble like a normal person?
Arrogant ( but I lost money, love ones ,time and my career due to gambling and alcohol use)
The chief feature of stubbornness will often insist nothing is wrong in the first place, no matter what the evidence are.
When I am not ignorant of my problem, I fail because I was selfish, arrogant and stubborn. I have no acceptance, not open to change and trying something new.