Hi Mav,
I am so sad to see that you are harming yourself. I hope you will see a doctor about this, it is obvious that this gambling addiction is too big for you to handle at this moment. I think you may need assistance beyond GA and this forum.
As for videos of poker, STOP! Do not use YouTube for anything gambling related, it is a massive trigger to watch others do what you are trying desperately to pull yourself away from. It is the same as going to a casino and looking over a poker player’s shoulder during a game. It will pull you right back in, so please do not do that anymore!
As for the constant self loathing and fixation on the past, you need to let go. I know, easier said than done. I spent about 2 years hating myself intensely. I thought about everything I had lost, every day, and nearly every minute of every day. It was absolutely horrible, and debilitating. I don’t want to go over it here in any detail, it will just bring you down. Suffice it to say that I understand how you feel now and went through those same feelings. I know from personal experience that it IS possible to recover and move forward, although it takes a lot of time and a lot of patience and a lot of work on your part. You will need to learn to forgive yourself. That is a huge hurdle, but you must work on it. Say it to yourself every day: I forgive myself! Even if you don’t believe it right now, trust me, it will help you. Once you forgive yourself, you can begin to love yourself again. When you love yourself, you begin to do things that demonstrate your love for your family. Then your life can begin an upward spiral of redemption, happiness and joy, reversing the downward spiral you find yourself in now. This has been my experience, and I am a much happier person now. My happiness is beginning to reflect into my kids and my wife now. It’s a great feeling, and I never would have thought this improvement possible 2-3 years ago. Yes I have had a few relapses over the past 4 years, but I am a much stronger person now, and I am much more confident in my recovery.
Each and everything you do every day, you must now weigh it carefully with this test: Is this thinking or action I am taking positive or negative for my recovery? If it is negative for your recovery, immediately stop doing it, and refocus on something else. This takes some really deliberate thinking on your part, almost like you are looking over your own shoulder and judging every aspect of what you are doing. Slow down, analyze each action, each thought, and weigh it with this simple “positive or negative for my recovery” test. I’m telling you, it worked for me and I think it will help you too.
I am pulling for you Mav, and I know everyone else on here at GT is too. Keep trying, don’t give up. Remember, money is replaceable, loving relationships are worth more than all the gold or currency in the world. Money is just the stuff you use to keep food on the table and a roof over your head so that you can be with your loved ones and live your life. In truth, we can live and be very happy with very little money.
Focus on being honest and show your family that you are trying. Take it day by day and slowly but surely you will see progress. Progress not perfection, right? 🙂 Take care.