Bloody hell mate. Mav I have a genuine empathy with you here, and as much as I know that it dosn’t really help you to know this, I just wanted to reinforce to you that you are not uniquely f’ckd up.
Nine years ago when I was a taxi driver I was into 3 loan sharks for a grand each. Each one charging £500. Paying them all back £100 a week. I would borrow off one to pay the other and that sort of thing. Eventually I became unstuck, I panicked I stole a huge amount of cash from a good mate. (He’d just sold two motorbikes and had cash in the house when I went to call). Once I’d done that in like a man possessed I seriously thought I’d do myself in, in my warped head I told myself if I were going to kill myself I might aswell rob a bank or a post office, because if I got away with it it could “solve all my problems.” Delusional to say the least. But I also thought that if (not when) I got caught than I’d do myself in or end up doing a life sentence, either way I was convinced I’d sunk as low as it was possible to go. WRONG. I thought it was absolutely game over. I went on to commit a very serious crime which seen me back in the clink for 18 months, my first sentence in 17 years. To stop gambling then was not an option I considered, after all I was in too deep I could only see gambling as my salvation. What a deluded tit!! The situation you describe takes me right back there mate.
One very valuable thing I’ve learnt is that we do learn from our own mistakes, not other peoples. You have to learn from this mate.
You were very very instrumental in my recovery many years ago, not long after I came out of GH and I went on a downward spiral. You know man lots of people will “feel” for you lots of people will feel sorry for you, it dosnt really help too much at the time. ( A bit like this post I’m writing, probably). But occasionally something will penetrate the thick stubborn selfish head of us CG’s and gt us to really think, and give us just the faintest spark of hope or belief in ourselves.
Mav you can do this, but to be honest man you are treading in dangerous waters, or very thin ice. I know better than most how these loan sharks work mate, its not often that they do do people in, they thrive and flourish because of the intimidation they can dole out, they are parasites. Nevertheless you taken their money on their terms you cant avoid it. Whats worse you have to live a lie to your family for at least 6 months (bet this post is really cheering you up btw!).
Bite the bullet mate and discuss this with your wife man, or if not your wife get back to GA.
I understand your wife when she “moaned” about you putting all your spare time into recovery, I really do, but I’m sure she’d have preferred that to your current lot.
The purpose of this post Mav is to reinforce to you that as f’ked as you are, as bad as you feel, things can and will get better. It’s great that you can share here mate, but I cant emphasise enough to you how beneficial it will be to actually talk about your situation.
I know its easy to say “tell your wife” I know that its not an easy thing to do, so if you cant bring yourself to please get on the phone to gamcare or gt even the samaritans. I found out many years too late, that talking can be a catalyst to a great recovery mate.
Life is too short to waste anymore of it gambling.
I’m not a regular poster here anymore mate, but many are. Keep using this site but ffs get yourself some real time support. Not tomorrow or next week, do it now man for your own good.
I know the sickening feeling you felt waiting for the wife to get money from her purse so you could get the milk. Man you’re gonna be in the same boat for months, do you honestly think you’ll be able to keep this a secret for that long. I doubt it man.
I dont know if your wife has had support for herself over the years maybe she doesn’t realise that she needs it maybe you could leave the F+F forum open on your pc so she sees it, she might take a read??
There is light at the end of the tunnel, cant wait til you see it again Mav.
Take care man.
Geordie.