Many people are self-destructive to a certain degree. Many of us are afraid of success, afraid of happiness, afraid of living a good life. It’s like we think we don’t deserve it and we do everything in our power to ruin good things coming to us.
I have this too, but not at a drastic level as you. I think that’s why I’ve never been really successful and never really made a lot of money. I have a certain comfort zone, and if I’m doing too well I kind of start sabotaging myself (be it through gambling or something else) until I’m back to my comfort zone. It goes both ways, if I fall below my comfort zone (i.e. lose too much, jeopardize my future etc) I all of a sudden become reasonable and I work my way up towards my comfort zone.
That’s why I never had a lot of money. Whenever my cash starts piling up I subconsciously get nervous and uncomfortable and I start working against my best interest.
I was a few times in big poker tournaments and I was doing really well. Then with like 20 people left in the tournament (out of many thousands) I would have more than average amounts of chips and I would realize I have a fair shot at winning the whole thing. Those are tournaments where the first prize buys a really nice house and the 10th prize is only about 5% of the first prize.
And I would panic. It would almost be “what if I win?” And I would subconsciously start playing badly, taking unnecessary risks until I got eliminated and received only a fraction of the money I could have won.
I started analyzing myself after a couple of those situations and I’m fairly sure that I am subconsciously afraid of winning big and I probably think I don’t deserve best things in life.
And it does not pertain to gambling only. Same with various business opportunities I have had. I get easily complacent and I don’t push for more. It’s like I’m afraid of succeeding big time.
Yet in some other areas, I was totally relentless, I wasn’t afraid of success and I did very well indeed. I know I should apply the same to business and finances in general but I fail to do so over and over again.
Don’t be too hard on yourself Mav. And make sure you seek professional help – DOCTORS that is.