M, thank you so much for your response. You are so sweet and so supportive. Ok…let us both do what we can to boost our faith in ourselves! What will that be?! I chose my situation here, really. I didn´t think it would be quite so isolated, but I am staying with someone who is only an acquaintance and who is quite judgemental about my situation (but a kind and caring person) and he literally only sleeps in his house. It gives me the space at the house, which is also nice, but means I don´t talk to a live person just about ever, really, at the moment…perhaps I exchange a few words a week. But, I do use Skype and that is really good. And I do have people to chat to online and I reach out to them. I decided not to be with my family in the UK so as to avoid their opinions, even though I know they want the best for me,and I just wasn´t ready to leave that far from Cuba and my husband. And I have been nomadic for years and years. That was a big part of the draw to just take the leap and “settle down” in Cuba….but in the end it wasn´t very settled! The dealing with difficult circumstances and feeling strong…I almost feel that I have been weak to “take” all that I have and that I am being weak by planning to go back to Cuba and that the stronger option would be to walk away and I have no friends or family who don´t think I should leave my husband. I know it is my own decision and I do really feel that I haven´t really tried to make it work for me so far because I didn´t have the information even two months ago that I have now. I do love my husband and we tell each other we love each other all the time, but I am old enough to know that love does not conquer all! 🙂
So, every day I think to myself what can I do to make the day a bit nicer for me. I try to eat nice food (which is still such a treat after time in Cuba where there is such a limited choice of food). I love being outdoors and had hoped to go camping more with people, but it hasn´t happened. I am in a very urban environment, but there is a beautiful big park near the house that I walk in for at least an hour every day. It feels wrong though to be wanting each day to pass and just to be happy to go to bed at the end of the day. We only have one life and it is short and it feels so wrong to be wishing it away and feel so in limbo.
I know what you mean when you say that your head was full of gambling for so long and what a waste that was. It is crazy really how it sucks us up into its drama and before we know it it dominates our lives. Then we have to really work hard to free ourselves from it. We are both still working at that.
We never know what will happen in our lives, from one moment to the next really or one day to the next. Things can take us by surprise, but for many of us the norm is a feeling of some kind of security. With this addiction so much can come crashing down from one moment to the next, at least that is how I feel. It just takes my husband to go and gamble once and the earthquake strikes again.
But for now things are calm! And I will try to learn all I can and how to change for the better. And your words truly do help…thank you so so much. I look forward to hearing how you go this week, what you are feeling and thinking and what opportunities the coming days bring you and your daughter to appreciate this crazy wonderful life.