Hi Caroline
It was good to see you in group. I can see from your posts you have many questions about your husband and his behaviour and is good to learn about the addiction. I can share my journey so far with you and I hope some of it may help you come to your own decisions.
If you read my thread you will see my ex left myself and young daughter after argument about money. He moved back to his mothers who continues to enable and bail him out. I had known of his gambling problem for years and mistakenly believed by ex was trying to control it. Although he kept telling me he was trying to stop and we were going through the motions of me taking financial control he was actively gambling and I believe now had no intention of stopping .
We had lived in the same cycle for years although I did not realise this. He’d storm out we would separate. After a period of time I’d forget how bad things got and want the happy family and we would get back together only for the cycle to continue.
What has changed? I found this site and just read and read for months. I finally accepted my exs addiction and the power and control it had over him I didn’t understand how to look after myself at first. Ididnt know how to break free. I tried to arrange contact with my ex for our daughter , he made it difficult. He made communication diffficult, he made everything difficult!! I argued with him, I challenged him , I pleaded with him which only served to upset me more. Everything was hard as it revolved around him. I wore myself out thinking of what he may do or say next. None of it served any purpose.
Then I tried doing things for myself although my heart wasn’t in it. I’d forgotten all about me and what I liked doing as I was so wrapped up in my ex. Velvet gave me great advice. Fake it until you make it.!!
Slowly I started to think about me. I stopped trying to worry about my ex and started thinking about what I liked to do. Every time I responded to my ex or tried to control or worry about what he was doing I felt unhappy. When I looked at me I felt better. I could not control him.
So how did I start doing this?. The most simple things, meeting up with a friend, going for a walk. Planning something in advance that didn’t even mean contacting my ex or sharing anything with him. Building a wall of strength around me gave me some space and clarity. My mind became less full of gambling. Not responding to a text or comment designed to manipulate me to cause an argument so I could be blamed for gambling. Without me to blame what could my ex do to justify his gambling?
The turning point for both my ex and I was when I went on holiday with my daughter without him there. I felt empowered. I had been on holiday with my ex every year for the previous 8 or 9 years even through periods of separation. I think he felt confused. I felt alive for the first time in a long time ( and this was only in a caravan in Wales imagine if it had been somewhere exotic!)
I had stopped contacting him to make arrangements to see our daughter and when I stopped taking responsibility for him he started to do it for himself although still gambling. His behaviour improved as I learnt to impose boundaries. Simple things like having agreements in place for contact arrangements, not contacting him at all about our daughter if he was late. All of this has happened over the past 7 months. It seems small steps at the time but when I look back I have made huge strides. Throughout all of this he continues to live at his mothers. She supports him and although we were in contact this has very much reduced. My daughter sees her with my ex. She continues to enable him. His problem is not really talked about.
I would be lying if I said this was easy. It is one of the most challenging things I have ever done. I make mistakes, i slip to old patterns but they are slips and i am moving forward. I question myself but try and remain positive. My daughter is generally happy. The thing that has changed the most is the belief in myself. My self esteem has grown. I trust my instinct more. I know me best and my CG best. I had lost sight of this.
A few weeks ago my ex started talking about the idea of change. Reducing gambling. Now this means nothing unless backed up with actions. His behaviour has improved over the months. His reliability has improved. He wants to see our daughter. He wants to be involved. His life is not totally consumed by gambling.
Last weekend he lost control of his gambling again. Since then he has been talking about the need to stop. How he can’t control gambling. How he doesn’t even enjoy it.
I know he needs support to stop. I have mentioned this and will continue to do so. I do not know whether this will last or how long his desire to stop will remain. He is currently not gambling. I’m trying hard to continue to do as I have been. Not to get sucked in. Remaining on this site rereading my posts helps me do this.
A CG is very convincing and manipulative. I have to remain strong and not doubt myself.
Carolinea you have found this site . I know you are looking to change. You are strong enough to do it. Believe in yourself, focus on you. Your husband will eventually notice when you shift the focus away from him. He will do as he wants, you are not responsible for him and his behaviour. You are not responsible for his family and their choices. Do what is right for you and your children. It’s the only thing that will help you. Find your peace.
I hope this makes sense. It is just my journey. It will continue and I must keep working on me. I don’t want to live with the addiction anymore. I don’t you do either.
Kind regards
Take care m x