well I haven’t been on here much lately… Too much going on. I truly am not sure how much more I can take. My uncle went into the hospital tonight. He’s currently hooked up to life support and they will be pulling it tomorrow, per his wishes. I guess the only blessing in all of this is my grandmother is so out of it from her dementia that she isn’t aware that another child of hers is going to beat her to the grave. It’s one hit after another at this time of year of all things. I truly understand now, how and why it is so many people decide to end it after an addiction like this.
I have no idea where I stand with the boyfriend.. ex.. whatever he is. Things have only appeared to get worse between us. He’s so distant and cold now that its hard to believe him when he says he loves me and hasn’t given up. I’m quickly becoming very bitter and angry over all of this. I feel like over the past few days I haven’t seen him at all. He wen’t to a wedding yesterday that I was originally supposed to go with him to. He stayed away all night because he got too drunk to drive home. That one night alone without him almost killed me. How can you love someone so much when they just seem to want to give up on you? I just feel so hurt, disappointed, and abandoned.
The job is going well. I’m good at it and have met a lot of great new people. One guy in particular has become a good friend. He recently went through a divorce, which he didn’t want so we are at similar crossroads. I’ve explained my whole situation to him and it’s amazing how understanding and forgiving a complete stranger can be. I think he was put in my path to help strengthen me and to show me that not everyone will be as judgmental as my boyfriends family seems to think. It’s nice to have someone to talk to who is outside the situation, who can be completely honest with me. He’s even gone so far as to offer me a room if I need a place to stay. Sometimes people surprise me in such amazing ways.
I’ve been hoping and praying that my boyfriend.. ex.. changes his mind about me moving out but it seems as though this prayer may go unanswered. New Years Eve is coming up, we haven’t even talked about it. I think he’s going to avoid me. Probably made plans already. Who knows. I just hate all of this. I feel myself becoming an empty shell and that’s the last thing I want. I went through this with a past ex. He treated me the same cold distant way. I in turn became a walking empty shell of a person. I just never thought this guy would ever do these things to me. Never in a million years thought he’d ever even consider being so mean, cold, and distant. Sometimes people surprise me in horrible ways too.
Still gamble free, even though our tradition has always been to go to the casino I haven’t thought about it once. If I do it’s only in remembrance of the great times we had in the past and the uncertainty of the this years holiday. I will not spend it sitting in this house alone. The new friend at work invited me to go out with him and his friends. Worse comes to worse that’s what I’ll do.
I’ll keep ya posted..
