Thank you again for your messages. I have not been feeling well and I know I should take care of myself but this whole situation is making me very depressed and I just want to isolate myself from the world. The fact that my husband just turned around one day and said he was not ready to be married and that is the whole reason for his gambling and eveything he did just killed me. He just turned around and changed his mind overnight and we never had a conversation about it or saw a therapist. When he ended our marriage over a text he said it is a decision it took over a year to make and that it was the hardest decision he ever had to make but that he just cannot be married and he can’t work on fixing our marriage. All I have is love for him and I don’t think it’s fair we never even tried to work on this relationship. I know he is a gambler and he feels the guilt and he made this decision because he thinks he hurt me too much and because he is justifying his gambling with him just being too ”immature” to be married because a marriage is easier thing to escape than gambling. And it sounds good and ”makes sense” in other people’s eyes. Or maybe I am wrong.
I know him not living in Las Vegas helps a lot and the fact he lives in a paradise now is probably good for him and he is getting better. I am afraid he feels happier because he is out of Vegas and thinks it is because he is out of the relationship. We loved each other so much. I do blame myself for not knowing more and not reacting better in some situations. I wish I didn’t kick him out. I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t yell and cry and scream when he gambled out money or didn’t pay the bills. I wish I told him we don’t have to get married in church last year and that we moved somewhere instead. He wanted us to move to Hawaii but the money situation was never good and I was too stubborn about saving for the wedding in church and the party. It ended up destroying our marriage. I feel like it’s my fault and that my actions made it so much worse and made me lose my husband and made him give up on us. It feels horrible.
I cannot stay in Vegas anymore. Too many bad memories and no family or friends. Deep down I hope he would come back one day and then my family and friends (and you guys lol) tell me I have to let go and take care of myself and tell myself it’s over and it just kills me. I just wish my hopes would be justified but I guess they are not. Just the thought it is over for real is making me sick in my stomach, I can’t eat and I don’t feel like living. I am writing this message literally crying my heart out. My chest burn from pain and it feels horrible.
I miss him so much and I probably made a mistake sending him a message yesterday. I said – ”The words cannot describe how much love I have for you and how much I miss you. Please don’t feel the pressure of responding it’s okay I just wanted to say it.” And then I added I will keep him posted about the insurance change that I am going to make this week.
He did not respond. I didnt expect him to, I just wanted to tell him I love him because I do and all I see is the positives in him and how amazing he is and I wish he knew that and that all I want for him is to be good and I just want to help him.
And knowing he doesn’t want me in his life anymore is horrible. Knowing it is probably over for good is…the scariest and the worst thing I could imagine. Not seeing my husband ever again.
I am sorry this is a very emotional and irational message. Thank you for reading…