Kind words from people who have nothing to gain from helping me…thank you. It makes me feel a little less lonely at this time when I have never felt more alone.
I’ve been reading stories about people who have lost grocery money. Weren’t able to eat because of gambling. Makes my heart ache. This problem is so bad for us.
I’m around people all day. My children (on my custody days) customers, employees, my good friend, people I know at the gym I frequent, my girlfriend, family…all know that something is not right with me. I tell them I’m fine, but they know better. I can’t tell a single soul why I’m whereI’m at. So alone. It’s hard to go to bed and it’s hard to wake up. Concentrating is very difficult. Planning…forget about it. I’m lucky if I accomplish what I have to.
I’m lucky enough to have have food. I’m in the grocery business. Still don’t eat though. My appetites is nonexistent.
I can’t get past the “why” did I go out and gamble money I needed? I’m compulsive naturally. I didn’t need gambling on top of it.
I’ve been to GA. There’s absolutely no way I can complete the 12 steps. Impossible. Admitting what I’ve done? That would be like taking gasoline and a match to the remaining bridges I haven’t already burnt down.
Trying to stay positive for day 6. But failing miserably.
If I didn’t have 2 minor children, I would welcome death because I’m not sure I can come back. I’m not sure that I can redeem myself. I will try, however, since there simply is no other option.
It reminds me of that Cat Stevens song “trouble”. If I replace ‘trouble’ with ‘gambling’, it’s a perfect fit.
Gambling
Oh gambling can’t you see
You’re eating my heart away
And there’s nothing much left of me
Melodramatic? Maybe. I really don’t care. It’s exactly how I feel.
I don’t mean to depress anyone who is struggling to stay positive, but this is the end result of compulsive gambling. A broken soul.
Bring on day 7.