Just got off the phone to the Netline for CGs. Spoke to someone for around an hour. Looking over the choices that “I need to make” rather than should. Everything I worked for in the past has gone. Home , relationships, business, everything. I live in a small 1 bedroom flat and am more isolated in my life than ever before. I dont feel the pain of the last loss yet. I am still numb. But I know that it is coming and that I most probably wont sleep well over the next few days. Only myself to blame on this. I have a budget of around £2 per day to get me through to my next payday. I wont starve not just yet. Christmas is upon us and I am absolutely dreading it.
We spoke about the need to focus on daily achievements … rather than long term focus. I know that when I gamble it is to bring comfort and escape. The comfort begins to set in as soon as I make the choice that I am going to gamble. And culminates each time with the same result. A vicious circle of destruction, selfishness and self hate.
Do I want to be a gambler ? Nope.
Do I want to overcome my addiction ? Yep
Can I actually start to do this ? I have no idea.
One thing that appealed to me when speaking to the netline was to try to evaluate each day to see what I can do to improve my situation even if only by a very small margin. And the same again at the end of the day. What did I manage to do for self improvement no matter how small.
I will be awake now pacing the flat in-between bouts of trying to work. Horrendous … People here give such good support and advise. I feel as if I really do not deserve it. I have major obstacles to overcome in the coming days. A real test. In a perverse way I am looking forward to meeting those challenges and see what changes I can effect. I maybe down but am not out for the count. More determined than ever to overcome what I have become due to my gambling.