Hi MM,
It is so difficult loving an addict. Reading through what you wrote I’m trying so hard to think about what made a difference for me. As I have said before everybody’s situation is unique and there are no easy answers but I do know one thing that changed. I took the focus off my husband and his problems. I decided he would survive somehow. I focused on myself…the only person we can really change. I kept coming across that phrase -‘we teach people how to treat us’. I had a good look at myself and decided I was trying too hard to be what others wanted. Even the cat had me wrapped round his little paw!
I also think people with addictions may target those they think they can manipulate although I accept it may not be as conscious as that.
So the changes I made were not just in relation to the CG. In my life. They were entwined with many other aspects of MY behaviour and thinking. I spent a huge amount of time trying to work out and understand the CG. There is no logic or sense to understand so it was a pretty futile task in someways. Also it is not our task. It is for the CG to address their problems and seek help. It somewhat sums my situation up that I was also trying to do HIS recovery work.
We need to work on ourselves. It is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. I don’t know when the point will come for you but for a number of us here something just clicked and we were able to see the situation in a more detached way. It was like a shield went around us – the barriers that V mentions and the Teflon felling I mentioned in the group which my CGs words just seem to slide off. I can see you working really hard on yourself and it will pay off eventually.
I can see you are going to feel cut off from support in Cuba but you are never alone once you have come here. I think that was the first feeling I remember when I found this site. I was not alone anymore. We will be thinking about you and here when you can access us.
Jilly x