I´ve been quietly reading the posts on the site, relating to much of what they say, but at the same time trying to distance myself some from thinking too much about all of this…it has been feeling a bit too much…worrying about what might happen in the future, what might be lies, what could have happened instead…what if…? It is so hard to have lost trust and then end up questioning everything, and think how to rebuild that trust (yes…by seeing actions…).
If my husband is changing his gambling/manipulating patterns to adapt to changes in me, then…it would be very hard for him to do. It would mean that he has been able to control himself and no longer overshoot (just gambling exactly the amount of money he had) – and he normally overshoots by a lot of $ – and no longer chasing for several sessions in a row. That would be suddenly a lot of control for him, and just a big change.
It is in the calm again…that cycle…he is trying not to, he is feeling “very normal” himself and that he has things under control…and I am extremely wary, anxious and thinking about my return at the end of the week. There have been positive changes and I see him wanting to make it work…I just have to be there to see how we navigate things together.
I am trying not to focus too much on the gambling as such, on the past. And not to worry about the things I don´t know. I am finding I am questioning my husband a lot and that makes me feel awkward, and that I also want to mention the G word less to him right now than I have been, and not to remind him why I feel so nervous so often still. I…try to justify myself to him…too much. But I feel he expects more trust than I can give right now and he needs to earn that trust (which, really he knows). I am just hoping he gets himself sorted out with his new work, and that we can eventually work out a house to live in…a bit more foundation! From that foundation we will see about the G stuff too and the terms we negotiate together.
Really, I am just feeling a bit drained from lots of G thinking and the search to trust.