I have missed posting. I never thought I would need to talk again but I am all over the place – although I am stronger and definitely not the woman I was as I have learned to cope with so many things – on my own but here goes –
My ex’s parents told me they were back in contact with him and said he was doing really well. I was surprised as I knew how much he hurt them too but that is their son and if they believed he was making changes, then maybe he was? They asked me if he could see his daughter, they would help, and he did not want to go to court or cause any trouble, he just wanted to see his kids. So, I had kept to no contact with him and it really helped me.I was definitely getting on with things. So, his parents intervention worked and I agreed to him seeing his daughter for a tea visit with them. This worked well and my daughter was soooo happy.
I then allowed him to see her on her own – no direct contact with me – and again this went well. I was glad, all I wanted was a better and safer dad – not one who was drinking, gambling, taking drugs or making threats to take me to court. Do we have a way forward? mmm.
So he is making all the effort and he contacts my older kids too. He gives my son money for his birthday, he gives them money for xmas, he goes back to my sons football and I allow him to see his daughter, in my home, on xmas day. He stays for a little while then leaves to go to his parents for a xmas meal,
Too good. But I am glad I am getting help and the kids are still wary but glad they have seen him. He has a better presentation, he is not letting the kids down and he is trying. I know you are asking when is the big but coming?
BUT – he tells me he is off work as he is under investigation for ‘stuff’he done when he was gambling. I ask for more info and he tells me he got a loan of 8000 pounds for the car but then ‘bumped’ this.(I already knew this) He also made illegal claims for his mileage, stating he would calculate the wrong mileage so his work would pay him more when he was apparently doing home visits to clients houses, he told me he was using his works internet in the evenings and weekends and that he also pawned his works phone and also one of their computers and finally, he said he was not working his hours and was falsifying his time. Wow, that is a lot so he tells me he is off sick and stating he is using his mental health as an excuse to be off,mmm,lying again.
He tells me that he is seeking legal advice as he doesnt want to be sacked and then shows me a report from his work about everything he has done. He denies some of it but he has clearly been caught, he will get sacked – just as I was starting to get child support and some money for our daughter. No job, no money and back to me being the only responsible parent.aaarggghh.
So I have listened to his woes about his work but he is still making every effort with the kids and thats more important.
I then get a puppy (we were all so devasted at losing our wee dog so I know the love we have for another wee guy will help. He is gorgeous and we name him Buddy – your buddy helps you in times of need and you help your buddy too).We are enjoying him and my ex offers to help too.
He takes Buddy to his house whilst I am work and kids are at school and it goes well. Then he has some work getting done to his flat and says he can look after the dog in my house. I am very very wary but I tell myself he wouldnt be stupid to steal anything as I would call the police. However, I do take all my bank cards, files with all my paperwork/bills and laptop to my work. I can never trust him again. So it goes well. I get help, he gets more time with the kids and not with me as I am at work.
So, now here is where I need to talk. In the last 2 weeks I have noticed ‘changes’. He is looking very tired.he tells me he is not sleeping well. he also tells me he is struggling financially, (he is working whilst being off work sick, delivery driver, 3 nights per week) where is his money going?he tells me he has not had money to pay all his bills and says he is on half pay and half sick pay. He then asks me one day to put petrol in his car as he can not drive to get the pup or take the kids to school if he has no petrol mmmm. So I am very reluctant but i give him a fiver.Oh i am hating that. Then he comments that he needs his work phone out the shop as they dont know its there and he could get charged with theft. he asks me to make a payment of 27 pounds to get it released. I say NO. (and I get angry too as 2 days before, he made 60 pounds, but told me he bought a bottle of vodka, fags, petrol, phone card and some food when his priortiy should be his works phone).
He then is eating everything when he is at my house, he appears hungry and on some days he is very ‘skint’, not even managing to produce one pound from his pocket. Where is his money going? he is helping with the puppy, kids, even doing my washing BUT please dont think I am not grateful, but he appears to be gaining a lot more than me – warm house, food, electricity, my internet (as he has none as he didnt pay his bill). I have also noticed he has been using my printer/paper/telephone and I am now feeling stupid as I ask myself “What are you doing and here are some signs that make your tummy have a nervousness”
I also find a letter he has tried to copy, but left behind, and it is from his work, saying his full time sickness will now reduce on 14 feb (but he told me he was on half pay)- great big lie, Why?mmm.
So I need a break and dont want him in my house as I have that distrust feeling again. So I am trying to come up with a plan for my dog and my daughter is ill so I tell him I dont need him to help as my daughter will be at home. He then phones her (i am at work) and asks her if he can come to the house to use the internet as he is applying for a new job. Does the library not have internet? aarggh. He arrives and stays for 3 hours (came at lunch time appropriate eh). she contacts me and I have to send a clear message for him to go. I just feel as though he is taking the p..s. He doesnt like my message but does leave my house.
And it gets worse. He tells me he has forced his work into a settlement so he can avoid the sack. If they say No, he will use his mental health and discrimination and take them to court. I cant believe what I am hearing as he totally screwed them and he got caught, now he is a victim again. His work agree and tell him if he hands in his notice, they will give him his holiday entitlement and one months salary and he will walk away with 3 grand. OMG. ever heard the saying – fall on shite and come up smelling of roses..He has done soooo much to his work and gets away with 3000 pound. really!
I tell him he should get a new tv as he has a very small old one and he becomes defensive. He tells me he needs the money to get his car fixed as he needs to sell it. It wont cost 3 grand to fix his car. I ask why he needs to get rid of it. He tells me he got caught, and jailed, a few weeks ago for being 4 times over the legal limit (drink driving). He has to go to court but he is pleading not guilty.omg – the police have evidence. He is then planning on driving when he does get banned as he will need to do his delivery job. He tells me has a big problem and needs my help. His car insurance is up and he needs me to insure his car every month and he will give me the payments (Ha I am laughing as no way in the world am I doing any of this – is he desperate?).He says if I insure his car, if the police stopped him, he would get away with it. He is still trying to break the law. Again he said he was the victim as the reason he drove his car was to get out a party where a guy punched him and he didnt want to stay. My ex is a big man in size and it would take a brave or stupid man to take him on so again I just think – more lies.
His parents know none of this,and he has no road tax or mot either.
So what was I thinking? Is my suspicion right about him possibly gambling again? Where is the changes? and I feel like a silly fool when I said I would NEVER be fooled by him again.
The difference is I dont have the same empathy or sadness now as he nearly destroyed me and I know I no longer am in love with him or ever want him back. I look at him now and think he is a crook. He is a grown man, in his forties and he is being held in police stations for drink driving and still committing crime. thats not a man in recovery.
Oh I am sighing, getting upset, getting frustrated and writing this has helped my head. I have been sitting with this for weeks.
Now I have to decide what to do next? and I think i know but am not sure. All I know is that this addiction and his lies and deceit are not my problem anymore, but somehow I feel as though he is trying hard to make it mine… Advice and support would be very much appreciated.
Thank you for listening.