HI BL, I do understand what you mean but it does take a change of perspective to move away from the past. I always think the lying, betrayal etc feels to the wife/husband/partner almost like an affair, and they are left with similar trust issues, hurt and wondering what happened to the relationship. The difference is with the gambling it is not personal, they didn’t do it to hurt or to leave or to deliberately meet their own needs, there actions where symptoms of an illness.
Of course knowing this does not automatically take these feelings away so we ave to work on it and give it time. because of the gap I had in my own relationship I was able to work on these things outside the relationship which made it easier and I can imagine it is much harder to maintain the relationship whilst trying to ‘put to bed’ the past.
Remembering it wasn’t personal, seeing each day as a fresh start, and being able to talk it through with someone detached like a counselor will help, time will help most of all and of course your faith. No one can undo the past but you can start a new future. Sometimes I feel sad about all the years I missed out on having with my partner due to his gambling but at these times I just remember how lucky I am to have the loving relationship I have now. My partner and I have been through a lot and it has brought us closer, recovery has brought a new depth and meaning to our relationship but that is only possible by leaving the past behind. Today is a new day, live it and enjoy it, work on the feelings of the past but try not to live in it.
Things may never be the same as they were but they may well be better, deeper, more honest and without the secrets that used to prop up the relationship before. Be kind to yourself, Lily x