It does feel like a huge setback. I was so proud over my 3 weeks gambling free and told everyone at ga it was a big deal for me. So why would i ruin it? I dont know, i got caught up in the moment and could not control it even though part of me screamed to not go through with it. Truth is i did have a choice – we always do when it comes to gambling. I let my guard down and let myself sink very low.
I did learn that i should never have money that i can spend without my husband seeing it. Nothing can excuse what i did yesterday, it’s noones fault but mine, even though i know that i might have some kind of impulsive disorder. If i would have been drunk or so i wouldnt have been so hard on myself today – it would have made more sense. Im angry with myself and part of me still wants to gamble to falsely remove all the feelings of self hatred. Im starting to think that there actually is nothing wrong with me and that i am just an egoistic person that cant appreciate what i have. Maybe im just too priviliged now, nothings good enough, no real feelings left. Always chasing after something. It’s gross and tireing.