I am training again. I remember the beginning, it was year 2000 that I was rebuilding my body and mind for my recovery and family.
It was my first attempt jogging on the same park, I cannot finish half around the park, but I didn’t allow myself to quit, I PERSERVERE and PUSH through the PAIN, I tell myself that this PAIN was nothing compare to the PAIN and SUFFERING I caused to my FAMILY and MYSELF when I hit rock bottom. Today I completed one round in the park and could have continue to push on but I quitted because I was afraid of HARDSHIP and PAIN, I didn’t want to SUFFER.
I have walk out of the hopeless dark hole, I was no more suicidal or depress. I have a family, job, a place I called mine.
I have reached a stage where I was doing some thing I never did in my recovery before. I never knew I was addicted to carbohydrates and sugar and did not do anything about it until now. It made me realize that there was no short cut, once I stop working my recovery, I will BACKSLIDE.
I had to cut down on carbo and sugar from my diet, and I need to exercise. Failing to do so will see an immediate increase in my body weight. I am in the maintenance stage now.
I am not perfect, I CHEAT in my recovery. When I binge on carbo and put on weight, I stop the binging and stop digging the hole further.
GUESS this was the story of my recovery. I CHEAT.
Over the years, I have a few rock bottoms, the harder the pain and suffering, the harder I focus and work on ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I was always running away from pain and discomfort. When I feel stress, I find relief in food and gambling. That explain why I continue to do all the harmful and self-destructive stuff like losing all my money and putting on unhealthy weight because I didn’t know what else to do.
I can continue to stay abstinent, it will not kill me but I was really not doing my best and relapse. When I feel uncomfortable, stress, bored or anxious, I allow myself to binge on food, gambling, alcohol. These activities are predictable, It kept me distracted and occupied for hours and I enjoy doing them. I don’t have a habit of watching movie, window shopping, jogging or attending church service.
I need to have the attitude of someone new in recovery. I need to work hard replacing old ways with new ways.
Going total abstinent is simple but it really takes a great amount of effort to stay total abstinent on some difficult days.
This is my recovery, I don’t do this to impress anyone. Pride and ego aside, I can either pretend nothing was wrong or be honest and admit that I was wrong, and have been lying.
We are habitual people who like to keep doing the same things. It was insane to keep doing the same thing that was doing us harm every time etc. gambling.
I can either focus on not gambling or I can focus on doing new healthy ways ONE DAY AT A TIME.
