Hi P,
Thank you for writing to me.
I was finding it hard and difficult to put thoughts and feelings into writing recently in the last 4 weeks.
I was experiencing a “not perfect” time in recovery.
I cannot understand why and what happen after a wonderful 6 months of total abstinent.
There were many different type of stress during this period, I recognize each stress have the potential and ability / power to trigger thoughts to go back to old familiar ways for quick fix.
Changes was taking place in many areas in my life in the last few weeks, I was trying to adapt to them in the best possible ways.
I cannot understand why the thoughts and feeling to feed my flesh was growing stronger after staying total abstinent for more than 180 days, I was thinking of myself more and more and not less suddenly recently. The devil make me doubt myself.
I find myself growing sicker by the days in the soul denying myself from my desires and plans (different temptations).
I felt fear and was getting impatient and discontented with having lesser and lesser money from my spending on living expenses. I wish I had more and took back the control.
I had an episode of slips.
I was watching myself closely, I saw me losing myself gradually slowly.
I felt something this time, there was a Higher Power in my life, can feel something holding me in the fall and keeping me safe. I cannot hear God but can feel God was there.
I could stop but I have question why I don’t want to deny myself and put to death my desires and plans immediately after doing it for more than 180 days.
Why the sudden change in my behaviors after being so faithful in the last 6 months.
I do not have the answer.
I think I don’t need to know anymore, I just need to continue to trust God.
Believing that God will provide me sufficient and have faith in God.
I need to be patient and wait for God’s timing for everything.
My new shift at work have begun and I have settled down now.
Since 16th Aug 2015, my shift start at 7pm and end at 7 am.
I am reading God’s words again, I am resting and sleeping well again
I had return to slow jogging to relax.
I am slowly getting back and more connected now .
There is no denying that I have gained some strength, more peace and happiness from staying abstinent for 180 days and it is also not a joke but a sad and shocking truth that It may only take 18 seconds for me to lose everything back and self-destruct.
I was very fortunate I did not suffer any financial losses and was not speeding away to self-destruction.
A reality check now shows my relationship with people, work, finance is better than a month ago.
I need to get closer to God, I was definitely backsliding lately and becoming more self-centered and less God-centered in life.
I am taking small steps in my slow jog and having lots of fun and joy, do it for another year or two, am sure my health will improve and my weight will correct itself.
I have come a long way, life has improve
Thank you God.
My journey continues……..