Dear diary
I hit a different rock bottom in Aug 2013 and that was a turning point for me. Later I experienced the benefit of total abstinence after doing it continuously for more than 180 days in the year 2015. Quality of my life improves and my recovery hit a new comfortable level.
Just when I feel that everything was ok, I begin to struggle, I face a new problem when things was good.
It was mentioned in the bible, God has warned us about this in 1Corinthians 12-13
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!
13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. When you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.
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An opportunity to change my heart and thinking or beliefs /
My deep rooted problems and temptations:-
1. For the last 10 years in recovery since August 2005, I was still living with this very deep rooted problem. I believe that I cannot beat the bookie or casino everyday but I am very sure I can beat them on some days, I have done this many times. I only need to wait for the opportunity and the perfect condition. I stop gambling but my belief did not change, when the condition was perfect, this is when I return to gambling.
2. I was not trigger by my small saving at the beginning for many months, but I discovered that I have a price. When I have more than SGD 6,000 at my disposal, my mind will start to drift and explore all the possibilities that I can do with this money, it turn into a big distraction and temptation, which become a burden for me in the end. I don’t have this problem for many months when the saving was still growing, it become one later, it is so predictable, it was a vicious cycle for me to return to gambling.
3. When I have payment or bills to be make, if this payment is going to use up my last dollar. I will likely have gambling thoughts. I may want to bet everything on the favorites soccer team and pay my bill after collecting the winning, this way I will have money to pay the bill and , money left over to spend for the rest of the month. Spending my last dollar on bills can trigger me to gamble for more money.
Only two things may happen when I do this, firstly, either I lose the gamble and in the end, I will not have any money for the rest of the month and I will not have any money to pay the bill. Secondly, I may win the gamble. In the end, it could lead me to a period of compulsive gambling. I may still end up with nothing.
4. When I tried to use exercise to fill up the void left by gambling, I didn’t realize that what I did was too much for my body and mind. I suffered muscle aches and pain which stresses my mind and body. I may have stop gambling but these stress trigger me, and thoughts to self-medicate using familiar ways like gambling re appear.
Thoughts:
What did I plan to do differently this time –
1. This is exactly how those businessman want me to think, I am not going to fall into their trap, I am not going to lose a single dollar to them.
2. I am already handing over and repaying all my excess money to the family. When my saving grows to an uncomfortable sum, it will be time to hand it over to my family again or deposit in a new saving account that doesn’t allow immediate withdrawal on the same day. I am not going to fall into this trap that I set myself up.
3. I need to keep and maintain a healthy saving to made sure so that I will not end up in a situation having to use my last dollar again. This is a trap I set myself up for some desperate gambling.
4. I am switching to long walks of at least 1.5 hours each time, it is more comfortable, the muscle aches, pain and stress level is more manageable and I can sleep better. No more high intensity exercise for me, this is a trap I set myself up for escape gambling for the stress.
Feelings:
These are happy problem, these are problem I can get only after I walk out of my rock bottom days.
Actions:
Continue the baby steps forward, one day at a time. I seek progress, not perfection.
I will not allow what I cannot do to interfere with what I can do.
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Where it was like in the past:
I don’t want to hand over all my money to someone to manage for me.
I don’t want to apply for self- exclusion ban.
I used my own way to stay stop, I relied on my willpower and determination.
I depend on my strength, not a Higher Power.
I am not following any treatment or recovery program
What happen
I continue to fall into the same hole
Where is it like now
I am handing over my excess fund to someone to help me stay stop
I have apply for all available self-exclusion ban to help me stay stop
I depend on a Higher Power to give me strength to stay stop
I am following a recovery program to help me stay stop
Step 4, 5, 6, 7 work on my strength and weakness
It allow me to carry on and continue what works for me and help me to remove my character defect one by one for the rest of my life.