Hi Melodys
First thing first, I know things are hard right now, but you have every reason not to commit suicide, so keep on fighting girl.
You have an alcohol addiction and now you also have a gambling addiction, so now you must realize that you have an addictive personality, which is something you must adapt to – you must become aware of your addictive behavior patterns and emotions, and work to control them.
After the realizsation, I would advise you to set up blockades for your addictions i.e. get rid of any alcohol or drinks associated and ban yourself from any casino – online and physical alike. I would also recommend to set up a system where you don’t have access to your bank accounts, and where your husband simply pay you a weekly/monthly allowances.
There are loads of other things you can do to make it more difficult for you to relapse into your addictions, which Im sure this forum can help you with to identify, but the aforementioned are the most common and straight forward and perhaps the most effective.
Once you have realized your problems are an addiction and have made initial blockades to prevent them in the future its time to help and work on yourself. By comming here to the forum you have taken a great first step, which can help you in all sorts of ways. Just writing about your thoughts and feelings can help you a lot, and the people here have many years of wisdom and experience from gambling addiction, which you need to extract for yourself so you don’t have to go through them yourself. You can also join a Gambler Annonymous group if there exists one in your local community – I find them to be extremely helpful.
The feelings of guilt and shame are something you through a long process of self-reflection will learn to accept in time – I myself struggled a lot with being ashamed too. But once I got smarter on my addiction and opened up about what was going on inside of me, what I was feeling, what I was thinking to my friends and family I felt much lighter and relieved. None of my friends and family reacted in bad ways (which I expected them to). Instead, they were very supportive and offered their help to me.
Anyways, there are many things to cover, but all in good time. Realize that you are on a journey now, and by coming here you took the first step, so go on forward towards that good life that I know you deserve and can get.
One day at a time 🙂