I took a new step- I couldn’t close down my Pal Pal account because apparently there is a payment pending – I think it’s coming into the account -not out .However I removed my bank account from my pay pal so now I have no money to spend there. This was always my sneaky money – (it isn’t really money if it’s done on PayPal??) .
It is so hard to refrain- it is so hard to stop. It used to be that the only thing in my head after losing was how I could replace the money – now the only thing in my head is where can I get more money to gamble – this disease is certainly progressive.
I have been thinking about applying for residential – in the past I always felt I would be turned away because I’m not bad enough. I think I am somewhat delusional – I work hard all week and then give my money away to any online casino I can find where I am not barred and think I’m not bad enough for help-yes definitely delusional!
What is really putting me off now is I think there might be family sessions – I can’t think of any family I would want there – I can’t think of anyone I would want there . But this is what I do .
So I return to GA tomorrow nite – last week was an open meeting and It was too soon to face outsiders – in fact I don’t know if I ever will.
I am looking forward to my meeting – I am looking forward to my coffee – it’s one of the stupid things I do – spend thousands Gambling and then deprive myself of a jar of coffee- go figure !
I have decided on payday I am going to cut up every card I have and just deal with cash .
I can’t stick ten pound notes into the computer now can I ?
Having said that I might as well stick them in the fire.
So I’m rambling and my thoughts are random – someone objected to that recently so I deleted my post – but then they objected to that also . Can’t win at gambling – can’t win at gambling support.
I think I will pray for a miracle – I’m not sure what that would look like but I certainly wouldn’t want to gamble all the time .
And maybe I would have a car from this decade and maybe I would have nice clothes and perfume- and maybe I would not feel tortured all the time – oh and sleep would be really nice .