It has been a rough couple of weeks and I know I am stressed when I start to have nightmares again. A sign for me that I am all over the place again.
So my ex gambled his wages about 6 weeks ago, told me he was going to be murdered – all a lot of nonsense and a lie when he was in desperate need , yet the feelings of anxiety it created in me was very real, unfortunately he doesnt see that, or wants to.
He understands my reluctance to have him back in my kids lives but he tells me that his mentor is helping him manage his money now. I speak to his mentor and he confirms this. He then makes some contact with my 15 year old son as my son has text him and they are talking. I remind my son to be wary but I trust my son more than my ex.
So we are positive again. My son asks him to his football. I am there too and we dont argue.we are there for my son and it is friendly. My ex is Mr Nice. I am keeping my barriers up.
My ex asks if he can talk to me and I agree to telephone contact. This is minimal and he tells me he doesnt want to gamble now. I tell him actions speak louder than words,we will see.
My ex then says he has a new flat and needs to start from scratch as he has nothing for it. he uses gumtree, he gets some free items but he really has nothing. I remind myself this was his actions that caused this and i end up doing something that I cannot even tell my pals about – I buy him a microwave. It is not too expensive and I know I dont have to do this but I help. He didnt ask me but I feel guilty about a comment he once made and I end up buying him a microwave as I know he doesnt have a cooker. He asks my son to help him move a couch he has got from a friend, a fridge he has got for 20 pounds and my son tells me he doesnt even have carpets or blind s and the flat he has moved in to is very poor.
Why am I helping? What proof do I have that anything has changed? I tell myself it is better to be kinder with care and compassion than with anger and resentment but my pals would be angry with me for helping him after all he has done. I have kept this to myself and I have felt guilty as he once said “You put me out the house and all I took was a tv” (which he sold). But I try to remind myself he may not have taken any material things with him when we split but he did steal 10 thousand the first time he gambled as well as so much more.
So he is not asking for anything, he is telling me he is doing the right things, his mentor confirms it and he wants to see his daughter.He writes the kids a letter and tells them he is sorry and he takes the blame for what has happened.He is just wanting us to be friends and it all seems good.mmm,
He tells me he has declared himself bankrupt and he tells me
his job is still at risk. I have still received no money for our daughter and now have a wages arrestment in place which is due to start in August. He wants to see his daughter and I once again agree. But – I suggest he takes her to the local cinema which is very close to my house and there is a morning show which costs £2. He is working 2 jobs, one wage that has been half pay and his mentor is helping with and another cash in hand job that he has 3 nights per week delivering chinese. He says the cinema would be perfect but he cant afford it. What ,£2 pounds each. Really. So I end up having to pay for him to take his daughter out. I shouldnt have, but I didnt want to let my daughter down.
But – there is this feeling that makes me question where his money is? He smokes cigarettes and can afford a packer of fags, but not £2 for his daughter. He has not had any more contact taking her out since that one visit, I am not paying for any more outings.
So I have felt like I have falling into a trap again, where the addiction is maybe there or maybe not but still taking as opposed to giving and all this Mr Nice is hard.
I have felt more tearful again, questioning myself a lot and the ‘support’ I have gave him with allowing my son to help him move, buying a microwave and just trying to get along, which is what is happening – But I just dont trust him. I still believe he has a hidden agenda, that sounds awful but I have been up and down so many times. I miss him, still love him, wont ever be with him again but I know I could be as he would jump at the chance to move back, but I deserve so much more.My kids deserve it too.
Kids do keep the bond there.But I know so much more now, although I have not been seeking out my supports for fear of how pals will judge or be angry with me, only cause I know they care, This is my “safe”place to talk.
It still remains hard all of this.what to do, what not to do, what to believe, the lies he can still tell, my son wanting contact, then helping him manage his feelings too as his dad has let him down so many times before.
He is still in our lives. His addiction is not or is it? I dont know.
Just know this is another part of this experience and I will keep getting through this. More learning. It has not even been a year since we split up and so much has happened, with his addiction trying to take the control. I need to remember that was then, this is now and the only one in control of me, is me.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, Courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference… The serenity prayer helps in more ways than I ever imagined.
Thank you for continuing to help me on this forum. I am emotional again. Gambling breaks your heart.