And that you usually fall off the wagon after your brain has forgotten about the last fallout of gambling. This is something I can very much relate to. I tend to follow a pattern as well. Whether that pattern takes 2 months, 6 months or a year to repeat itself is hard to predict but usually, it will repeat itself eventually. So I say based upon my past experiences. I used the early steps of the 12-step program to analyze myself and figure out this pattern. I found that I gamble when I feel bad about myself, when I’m stressed about school, when I value money too much, when life has become stale and I’m bored. Generally when I feel life is giving me a too hard of a time. These are things I’m pretty sure I knew already before my analysis, but I think it raised my awareness to a further level and it made my thinking less cluttered and more organized. Because I wrote all of these things down I could very easily begin to understand why each of my problems occurred, and then figure out a solution for each of them. A lot of the problems are connected, but somehow I found that there is at least one thing I could do to decrease the likelihood of those problems growing so big that they would lead me to gamble. For example:
I feel bad about myself
– Take care of my body and my mind. The way to do this and to what extent is different for everybody. I like to exercise in the morning and I try to think of food as fuel rather than pleasure, which helps me to be aware of what I’m eating.
I’m stressed about school
– Usually comes from expectations of my academic performance. I realized that my self-created expectations are based upon what I think my family, friends, and society expects of me, rather than what I actually want to achieve for myself, silly… So I try to remind myself that everyone walks their own path and that I shouldn’t care about others expectations, only my own. This is a lot less stressful for me when I manage to do it.
I value money too much
– This is apparent when I let the amount of money I have determine my happiness. Sometimes I thought “if I have X amount then I’ll be happy” or “if I fall below this amount then I’m unhappy”. This has previously lead me to believe that gambling could lead me to a quick influx of money, or an unexpected bill has made me so unhappy that I needed the money back somehow (obviously by gambling). Today, I try to not worry about money. I don’t rely on materialistic things to make me happy, I try not to pay attention to money after my bills have been paid (including my monthly debt payments).
Life is stale and I’m bored
– Due to my last 10 years of gambling, I think part of me has become used to live life in a state of panic and constant crisis. When gambling I’m in this state, and when I’m dealing with the immediate fallout I’m in this state. And when everything is not on fire and I can finally rest a moment in life, I’m not used to that, I’m in new territory and I’m not sure what to do of myself and with my time. This usually leads me to boredom and, perhaps even unconsciously, towards old behavior patterns that enables the compulsive gambler back in my life. I try to remind myself of this fact through rigorous reflection and self-awareness. Now this can be done in so many different ways, and at the moment I’m going to weekly GA meetings where I took over the keys to open the meeting location and brew the coffee so it’s ready for the meeting (this gives me more commitment and forces me to come to meetings). I visit this website and read journals and update my own once in a while. On Sunday I’m gonna take up meditation which I will be trying out with my GA group before our Sunday-meeting. I also listen to a gambling podcast on Youtube which has 56 episodes, but the point is that many things can be done, and I’m just experimented to see what works for me.
This is just my approach to how I try to stay gambling free, this is by no means me telling you how to do it and that this is the only way, but maybe this sparks some ideas or motivation in you, which can help you in your recovery.
No doubt about it, my self-help work has limitations in regards to stop my gambling, since it’s a work in progress, and when it fails I rely heavily on my barriers. So I try to add as many as I can. Recently I added Bet Blocker (I’m an online gambler) and I came clean to my friends about my compulsive gambling, which makes it harder to return to gambling in so many ways.
Anyways, rant over – Jen I wish you the best of luck in your recovery, stay aware!
– Chris