I just caught up with this thread. And I shiver. And it’s not because of all the horrors you’ve been through and all the daily difficulties you still face and live through.
It’s the fact that you were 5 years gamble free at one time and then went back into it and it became even worse.
It’s a cold nasty reminder, and something I tend to forget, that we’re never cured.
I tend to believe (very naively) that once we go through all the effort and hardship and finally stop gambling, we’d then be OK.
Anyway, great posts Charlster. A lot of formidable minds on this forum. How we got ourselves into this mess I don’t know.
There can never be another bet. I remember, about 10 years ago I was winning at poker handsomely, but I was nevertheless aware of my gambling problem. Gambling used to absorb me. All I could think of is playing poker. I would go to the movies with my girlfriend and started fidgeting before the film even began. I couldn’t wait for it to end so I could go home and play poker online. We would not go for a drink after the move, I had to rush home. Once home, I would run to my computer, turn it on, and then and only then I would take off my jacket (while the computer booted), washed my hands etc. so I wouldn’t lose any time.
I was still winning those years despite my addiction. The other players were so much worse.
Anyway, I was well aware of the problem and I sought professional help. I made an appointment with this therapist and after listening to me he asked me what I wanted from him. Well, I thought it was obvious, I wanted to be able to play poker, but without the elements of gambling. I wanted to be able to enjoy life and the little things like before. 2 sessions later he told me he couldn’t help me unless I wanted to stop altogether. He said he may be able to help me stop completely, but he couldn’t do anything for me if I wanted to continue playing poker.
I wasn’t ready to stop, I was making good money and I loved the game. I did realize back then that I have a problem and that I am addicted. And that addicted progressed over the years.
I wish I had listened to him back then.