Hi Logic, I am really sorry to hear about your foot and that your partner didn’t come when you needed him. It must of been a really difficult time for you. What I really want to say to you or should I say what I would of needed to hear in your position is it is no reflection on you as a person, it is not because you are unloveable or don’t deserve to be cared for, it is not personal (although I know it must of felt personal). Your partner is being lead by addiction first, first before love, before family, before self care – the addiction whispers in his ear and says ‘just stay here have this bet, you can go when you have won some money, if you go now you will miss out on the big win, if you see her now you will have to take care of her and miss out on this cash that could make things better when you go, just stay for a little while.’ Addiction is a manipulative mistress and when it is not recognized or acknowledged by the CG it controls their every move.
It is not that it is easy for him to detach himself from you it is that it is impossible to detach himself from gambling, meaning there is little room for any thing else. He wouldn’t of had the room in his head to empathize or even take in what was happening to you but once he saw you it briefly brought him back to himself by the sound of it.
It sounds like you have learnt this yourself the hard way and about the reason many of us on here will bang on about taking care of yourself first and foremost. Being distracted by such a massive and scary thing as having someone with an addiction in your life can also have a detrimental effect on us and our lives, it can make us distracted, careless, tired and depressed, this can also cause us to make mistakes and make problems for ourselves so self care is vital for us to hold onto ourselves and not to become another victim of compulsive gambling by proxy.
You have reminded me that I will have to be flexible this weekend with my son who’s father is a CG in denial and will be in no fit state to care for his son either but as you see I needed to be reminded as it is not something at the fore front of my mind, I probably would of remembered as soon as I got a text with an excuse as to why he couldn’t see his son this weekend. Gambling still affects my life, I have my ex (my son’s dad) who is a gambler of 35 years in denial and my parnter who is a CG in recovery so gambling has had a massive affect on me over the last 20 years however I am at a point now where I do not allow it to be my life. I also learnt this the hard way so I do understand how difficult it is. My partner is there for me now, I see him as he is not as the addiction makes him but it was a long road with treatment and a separation for us both to learn to about ourselves and it is on going, there is no cure as such, my partner will always be a CG in recovery abstaining from gambling although many do manage this for the rest of their lives. My sons father I am sad to say will probably never change, denial is something you can not force someone out of.
I live my life now by living in the moment and enjoying each day and worrying about things when/if they happen. I fill my time with doing the things I love like pottering around in the garden or helping my sister with the horses, taking my son to places or visiting friends. The trick is to learn to be fully present when doing these things and not having half a mind on what your CG is up to, this time and these pleasures give me the energy and strength to deal with things when/if they happen not be constantly running through what might happen in my head. You are responsible for you not for their lives and their addiction and there is very little you can do for a gambler in denial except refuse to be part of it.
Is there friends or family you could go and stay with this weekend? Spending time being cared for and appreciated would be so much more healthy for you than sitting at home with a broken foot wondering what your partner might be up to and the truth is no matter how much you worry that will not change the outcome for good or bad.
Take care of you, you deserve it, Lily x