I hear you Liberty. We are in the same boat, you and I. For the last 3 days I have suddenly taken to self harming, hitting myself in my head, scaring my wife and child and dog and my wider friends and family. I am so angry at myself for what I have done – how lazy and feckless I have been. How I did not have to be in this position, how every day spent feeling sorry for myself is another day I can bemoan. BUt I have to move forwards, somehow, I am not sure how. Just as I have to do this, so do you. And we can. Everyone says we can – it just seems so dark in the places where we are. I know where I am seems very dark, I have lost everything I wanted.
I won’t go into details here, but my inability to stop gambling last year, or even seek help before it was too late, is the reason of my depression. Maybe I would have been depressed anyway, but probably not. I know the gambling fed my depression and then the depression fed the gambling, tricking me into thinking I needed it somehow. Despite the time and money lost, the amount of times I said that was the last deposit, the last time I played on the toilet, the last time I played at work. But now, it got worse and worse and worse.
No more. I refuse o let this beat me. My family has been amazing, but still I cannot forgive myself. But I know I must. I must forgive but not forget. I am human. I am weak and full of frailty. But this can make me strong, as I increase the non gambling days.
I am looking forward to attending the clinic sometime this month, but do that I must put other affairs into order.
I know you can do it Liberty. I hope I see you on the group this evening.
All my love
Mav