Dear diary,
I am very glad that life is returning back to normal.
No more craving and strong urges from a few weeks back
It was so disturbing and disruptive to normal life
living become a struggles
losing my peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.
Now that my mind is clearer
I can see the importance and it is now an opportunity for me
to work on and build up more peace, calm, gratitude, contentment and patience.
I will never know when I will be tapping on them again during struggling times.
The 6 months of total abstinence lifestyle; denying my desires and plans have definitely help me build up some more strength that kept me safe during the bad times.
I shall not be too disappointed with no being able to keep up with the near perfect recovery days I chalk up – it was like a honeymoon, it was sweet.
I just woke up after a long sleep feeling well rested and refresh. I felt something today which I hope, is not a form of self-deceit or an excuse. I have a thought that I should be grateful and be rejoicing and celebrating recovery.
I have just experience the benefit of staying abstinence
It has help me build up strength and resistance to say No or walk away from temptations.
There will come a day sometime in the future when I need to dig deep for these qualities to keep me safe from total self-destruction.
When I slip, it was this strength that help me stop and get me back up to my senses quickly and continue my journey forward in recovery instead of falling deeper into an endless hole.
I continue to thank God every day but I had also ask God for help, and many ”Why” questions during those struggling time. One thing stood out from that experience, I can try but I am human and made of flesh. I am not perfect.
Having other health conditions just make it this much tougher, when the health was not good, the level of stress I felt was that much more stronger. My mind became irrational, I was going to do the wrong thing but hoping that things will turn out alright. I was aware I took back the steering wheel from God. In recovery, they call this insanity.
Self-centeredness has creeped into my life and squeezing out the God-centered lifestyle.
I felt that God was there but I didn’t pray to God to do HIS will, I pray to God to do my will, I ask God to make the craving go away, I ask God to help me, I want things to be the same like the last few months, I don’t want my recovery to get tougher. I ask God not to let me lose my peace and happiness but the bad feelings did not go away and I continue to struggle. I did not want to struggle and suffer.
I have ask myself why did I want to give up all the beautiful things I had receive from God now for something that was a lie, end of the day I do it anyway. I slip.
I slip yet I do not wish this to turn into a relapse, because I was afraid to lose everything, been there done that many times. It was a scary, painful and dark period.
I wanted to update my journal and write about my thoughts and feelings honestly everyday but I struggle, the thoughts are messy and not flowing….
Then God ‘s word and messages suddenly kept coming in fast in the last 2 weeks again through the things I read and hear, when the messages return, I felt very reassured, Miss P thoughtful post also came in at this time.
I knew God was always there, but I was struggling to hear HIM, I had continue to read and hear his words but nothing get rooted deep inside me, this is something I don’t understand at all.
Now I learn that I need to wait, wait for God’s timing not mine. I must learn to do God’s will not mine.
I feel all relax and relief now. I do not have to claimed near perfect recovery days now , I am happy. I have come a long way since 5 Feb 2015.
I could have relapse from the latest slip, I could be hurting.
I had wanted to do all the bad things but I didn’t.
I actually went ahead to do the bad things, something stop me many times.
I only want to continue to seek God and work on my recovery now.
All this is not possible without the Grace of God.
I must pray to God and ask for forgiveness,
I have sinned
I am sure I must have sinned many times in the past and many times not knowing about them and I didn’t have the awareness and mindfulness to ask God to forgive me.
As I read my thoughts and feeling here before I post.
I found the following;
I slip but I don’t wish it to turn into a relapse
I am going to do the wrong thing but was hoping things will turn out all right
Somewhere in here. I don’t make sense. It looked like I still have reservations.
Haiz, I need to work my step 4, “make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself”