I guess it’s the small (extremely small) chance I can recoup that money. I have done it before but I know it’s highly unlikely. But for me right now it definitely is about the money.
That initial gambling brings me ease, comfort and big-shotism for a short time. I lose because I rarely leave up and it’s the panic that brings me back. I know I’m emotionally fragile at the moment and that fighting the cravings is a losing battle. It’s a classic case of “I want to quit, I will quit, but right after I win this money back”. I know the insanity of it. I know that’s not how it will go even if I do recoup my losses. It will be more like “Well that was a close one and very dumb, just be smarter next time”.
I have to find a way to accept that the 20k is gone for good. The previous 100,000 or 200,000 or whatever I have let go somehow. Perhaps because it was more gradual. It was always the obsession that brought me back. I dunno, maybe it’s time thing. I’ll keep taking it one day at a time and hopefully time will help me find acceptance for that last big loss.
One thing I do know is I won’t gamble today and that’s the most important thing.
I really do appreciate your replies jansdad. So thank you very much.