I feel a little more hopeful today. I’m still scared to death about what the future may hold for me and terrified that my boyfriend may not be factored into it.The negative thoughts and fears keep trying to take over. I just keeping telling myself to keep the faith. Believe that God will provide and that he hears my prayers. I had a perfect example of that today.
Just a month ago I was unemployed. Things seemed completely hopeless. I filled out thousands of applications and couldn’t even get a call back. I just kept praying “Lord please bless me with a job, preferably two”. I prayed and prayed and prayed for this. Then I got the cleaning job, that same week I got a call about another job which I was given pending my background check. I started working this cleaning gig and a woman I work with told me about her second job. She said they are looking for another full time person and she could get me the job if I wanted it. Then just today I got a call about another interview. The Lord works is such strange ways. I’ve always been told “ask and ye shall receive” I’m clinging to that right now. I’ve never prayed so much in my life.
I still have no desire to gamble, if anything that is the one good thing that has come out of this. Even at my lowest and most stressed I still don’t think about going to the casino. In the past that would have been the first thing on my mind. I only wish I had learned everything I have before I ever developed this addiction, before it ever got this far. Before all of this I always said if I had one do over, the chance to go back in time and change one thing I would go back to day before my grandfather past. He was in the hospital a day away from coming home and he was on the phone with my grandmother. She asked if I wanted to speak to him (he and I were very close) and I said no I’ll see him tomorrow. Well he died that night. I never got to say goodbye. It haunts me to this day. Now, if I ask myself that same question my answer has changed. I would go back to the first time I ever went to the casino alone. That’s where it all began. After that first time there alone I decided going alone wasn’t all that bad and any time I got the urge I went. If I could go back to any point in my life it would be that one. Then none of this would have happened. I would still have my job, the friendship with the owners that I truly cherished, my security, I wouldn’t be worried about losing my freedom, I wouldn’t be losing my boyfriend and the future we planned together. Amazing how one decision can truly impact the rest of your life. It’s like the domino effect. I just wish I would have known how things would go.
But, we can’t go back we can only grow and learn from our mistakes. I believe with every molecule in my body that my relationship will be fine. I know he is stressed and overwhelmed and not sure how to handle all of this, I can’t blame him for that. I also know he loves me and that we are very happy together. Its going to take time but I have faith that we will fight through this and come out stronger and closer in the end. I pray and pray for this.
Another G.A. meeting tonight. I’m kind of dreading it to be honest. Might ask my friend to go with me.
Thank you, all of you. Your words of encouragement and the friendship I’ve received on this site mean so much to me.
