I dont know what it is, my parents divorced 8 years ago and I sided with my dad at the time, i was closer to him i did more with him and it felt like everyone was against him during the divorce. I fell out with my mum a lot and ever since then we havent been close, i cant remember the last time i told my mum i loved her or when she said she loved me, i have never been able to ask her for help nor has she ever seemed interested in my wellbeing and future. I dont feel comfortable talking to her and whenever we are at home we never really engage in conversation, so during the last 6 years i have had a dad use me for his gambling and a mum who i have not been close to at all.
My parents hate each other and during the time of lending my dad money if she was to have found out then she would have gone mad for me helping him out while she was doing everything for me and my brother. If i was to tell her now i feel she wouldnt be happy but she would have to realise i didnt know it was for gambling and he put me under a lot of pressure to keep lending him money. I want to get closer to my mum and maybe letting this secret out could be the start of that because up until now i have never felt like she has been there for me either and has never been someone i could turn to.