I don’t even know why I gamble. I can’t explain that intellectually. I know I’m addicted, that goes without saying, but I don’t know what triggers the action, what makes me gamble.
I know gambling does not give me any genuine pleasure. I know it’s bad for my moods, bad for my health, for my relationship, for my parentship. And I know I cannot win.
I was going 2 weeks strong after the last gambling spree and I was doing alright. Then 3 days ago I had the urge to gamble and I knew all to well that it would be a huge mistake to start. I had a good thing going, I hadn’t gambled in over 2 weeks, I started going to the gym, I was able to concentrate on my work, I read 2 books in the mean time, I was able to watch through a whole movie without fidgeting.
And in spite all that I decided to cancel that deal with my friend, the deal that has been a lifesaver, and to gamble.
And if you asked me why, for the life of me I could not give a reasonable explanation.
The limits I play, on extreme days, fluctuate +/- $3K. On most days I can lose or win $1K.
And I was saying to myself, ok let’s say you get extremely lucky and you win $3K, will that change anything? And the answer was, no it wouldn’t. I mean $3K is nice, but it would not change my life style or anything and I’m jeopardizing too much for a remote chance of winning the amount that won’t matter too much anyway.
So, I know I cannot win long term, I know that even if I did win short term that money that I could win wouldn’t make any difference, I know that by playing I’m opening the door to hell and I know all too well what it means to be in that hell – and yet against my better judgement I go ahead and start gambling again.
How the hell is that possible?