I completely understand where you’re coming from..
You basically feel you don’t deserve her – and that you wouldn’t feel so bad about your life collapsing if she weren’t around since you hate yourself, and could deal with it – right?
You need to re-direct your anger away from yourself – Gambling is highly addictive and it gets the better of so many of us, so don’t hate yourself. Try to focus on being thankful for what you have – try to go a whole day spending only a few £, jot down how much better you feel.
Frugality and not gambling will undo this whole mess, undoing one bet at a time. You can do it my friend 🙂