I can’t quit.
I want to. I try to….and then I go back.
I wish I could go back and tell myself what was going to happen in my future if I didn’t quit. The lies I would tell…major f’n whoppers!!! OMG…the degenerate scum I would become. The things my children could have but don’t. The people I would borrow money from and not be able to pay back…including family members…especially my adult children.
I could have had it all. Instead I’m faced with having nothing. Why? Why do I do it? It makes no sense. I’ll go months without a bet and then lose enough money to buy whatever I need. Climb back up, then fall back down. I don’t know if I’ll recover from this last outing. It may have done me under financially.
I’m super glad for this forum, because if I wasn’t able to read some of the posts, I’d sincerely believe on a remote island of self-loathing and have no soul. Or is it that none of us do? That we’re merely patting ourselves on the back when we should condemn each other for our selfishness? I hope it’s the former. That there is hope, because if I ever needed it, it’s right now.
I have no more bridges left to burn. It’s put up or shut up. Hell has enveloped my thoughts and is slowly but surely becoming my reality.
If I look back years from now at this post and I am still gambling, I’d wish death upon myself. No joke.