i always feel…i’m not sure what i feel actually but i feel something positive when i see each and every comment, usually i am at work and it gives me a nice distraction.
i haven’t updated as i have been getting up at 04:00 for work and this really isn’t a time my body likes , my last day off was 28th of september and i have committed to doing the next 3 weekends and then that it, i will cut back, i am not sure that i truly make the connection with money earned to money gambled but i have done 9 extra gruelling shifts and it still isn’t what i could blow in a weekend, i don’t think it is sinking in as the true reality of that is more than i can process right now.
anyway i am day 18 and yesterday was my first day in therapy, my first day on the road to recovery and within 5 mins of being there i knew i was in the right place with the right person, i know some people have had a bad experience with gamcare and counselling but i believe it is all about connecting the right therapist to the right person, even if you are to seek one on your own doing, this is the most important thing to consider is your client-therapist relationship.
the therapist i am with is trained in gambling as an addiction (amongst other things ) which i think is important. so yesterday was tough ( i definitely wasn’t expecting it to be easy) i was able to be open and honest and i was surprised at how safe i felt to just open up but i am also aware that right now that is my only place that feels safe and i don’t want to fully feel safe as it is only a temporary place.
the session went so quick and i was told that it may feel shitty over the next few days as i process things that i have reflected on that i haven’t done in years, i was saying ” it’s ok, i don’t really get bogged down in old stuff, i’ll shake it off and it will be fine, see you next week” 10 mins later and BOOM the whole thing hits me, i even re-played the session in a dream last night, my whole day has been taken over by thoughts and i swear i have lost chunks of time where i have been lost in my thoughts. i actually don’t have room to think about gambling right now and i get moments where i feel down but i am not sure why right now, i am ok with it though as i was told that this is part of the process of therapy so it helps to know that. i am actually looking forward to going back next Tuesday and i feel hopeful that i can finally start a recovery process.
i keep saying i want my life back, even this thread has it as the opening title yet i actual don’t know who i am without gambling, i have gambled for so long that i only know the gambler…i wonder if i will get on with the real me, i wonder what my life looks like. one day at a time, today i did not gamble
