Dear diary,
The very first thing I felt when I woke up today was the pain from the body aches;
on the leg, hip bone and lower stomach. These come from the daily slow jog a walk I started since 14th July.
I have step up my spiritual, physical growth, and recovery.
I have some clean time in the bag now, am stronger ; is ready for it now and not be complacent.
Even though the body aches was expected, it still feels very painful, but I am not fleeing this time, I am ready to face it now, accept it and live with this temporily suffering; pain, stress and discomfort.
I wouldn’t encourage myself to do this right from the start anymore but I remember in my early journal way back in 2008, right from the start , jogging was part of my every comeback early recovery package. Now I am seriously considering whether it was such a good idea at all.
Imagine I was working on my spiritual, emotional, mental and financial health plus work matters and family relationship, throw in the exercise to build up the physical health. Does it look like one is doing too much? Is it becoming a baggage and burden. Under those situations, I feel that it either made a person stronger if he survive all these experiences or it would be too much weight and can pull the person down, am I setting myself to fail right from the beginning if I do too much.
The pain and stress from the exercise are a major distraction. In the beginning it was almost unbearable, I can feel my mind drifting all the time daily.
The need to find relieve from the body ache/ pain and stress in the form of those sports I love to read is getting more frequent. Writing journal at times is helpful but I cannot be writing all the times whole day round.
I do feel that I am not alone now.
I can feel that I am receiving more messages from my Higher Power in the form of Bible verses during these challenging times that has strengthen and not weaken me in recovery.
It has brought me to a whole new level of understanding about receiving God’s Grace.
I talk about not feeling the pain from my addiction and debt anymore after things has improve. Praise God !
The physical exercise is bringing me a different kind of pain and stress, but my brain cannot differential the different type of pain and stress, mental emotional and physical pain and stress to my brain looks the same. When there is pain, my brain automatically look for relief.
I am learning to accept the healthy pain and stress now, at least it was not those pain and suffering after hitting rock bottom, these are good and healthy ones. Yes, it still feel very painful and can be a trigger but not a valid excuse.
“rejoice in suffering in the name of Jesus” says Apostle Peter
I have attended a 12 steps recovery program workshop yesterday, again the facilitator talk about people who get into trouble when they focus on problem and not solution.
In my God centered recovery, It was about working hard to focus on God and not the pain and stress.
It was still about seeking and focusing on God ODAAT
The stronger the pain, the more suffering from the stress, the closer I go to God for help, relief and comfort.
I am mindful and believe one day when I mature as a follower of Christ, I will not need these pain and suffering to remind me but right now, take away all the pain, I am afraid I will forget God and drift away.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for everything you have given me in the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen!
