Dear diary
I am writing from my own personal experience, it has been more than a month now since I ended up heavily intoxicated. I tried but I cannot stop myself backsliding, I only slow it down now, I can feel it.
There are so many things that felt so different now. I felt that the money I had is not enough but it is not true.
I used to have a strong connection to God and rest in Him, I surrender to Him, believe that He will provide sufficient and I feel very secure.
I let go of the control, and seek His will. There was a time I was not struggling in doing this, it was a beautiful period in recovery for me, everything just fall nicely into place for me, it was the best time of my recovery.
Now I struggle trying to do the same thing, I am very tempted to take control of my life.
I just look at my notes and record for the past few months this year and I notice that I was not doing well compare to last year in the same period, but it is still possible, I can still catch up and rescue my year if I can be discipline for the remaining 7 months.
I felt like one lucky fella because if the barriers was not in place to check myself, I will definitely be spiraling downward very much faster uncontrollably.
I continue this journal, handover most of my money to someone, stay connected to recovery and attend church service, these have help me in many ways now.
I have wrote about my weakness for the last one month as suggest in Step One, I have tried to be honest in admitting my weakness, how I was powerless over my emotions, the heat, my health, people, places and things, how impulsive compulsive and obsessive I can be, the uncontrollability and unmanageability in my life brought about by my use of alcohol and gambling.
Admitting the above is not enough!
I am still holding on to the control, if I am still listening and following me, my ways will send myself back to a same old predictable place…the bottom.
Nothing change if I am in control.
I experience a new life in the same period last year when I hand over control to a Higher Power and follow his ways. God’s way is not man ‘s way. New ways replaces my old ways.
My old ways has return.
Help me God! Help me to surrender to you, God.
