I am in bits and am desperate to gamble only to destroy myself. My wife has booked her tickets to colombia for next week and I am not sure how I will cope on my own. My head is full of the most hateful thoughts, and when she said she had had enough and was booking tickets my first thouht was to gamble everything away. Just destroy myself to I could then kill myself.
I do not want to do this. Gambling has destroyed me over 3 years, the fact that I lied and gambled last year meaning that this project is now so way pverdue, added on top of that depresion and massive low self esteem I truly detest myself right now and I do not know what do to. I am crawling the walls. She is entitled to leave and its probably the bst thing for her and our son, but I do not know how I will cope.
I just found myself about to use her computer to find a new online site and play some blackjack. I managed to stop myself, but for how long. The gambling is no longer about money it is about self destruction. I realise that is what is has alwasy eben about – part of me is trying to destrouy myself and I don’t want that at one level, and on another it would make all this pain go away. I know no one here can help me, but I feel so lost. So helpess. But all of my sorrow and misery is of my own making. If I Had been stronger and not gambled last year non eof this would be happening right now. We would have finished the project and owuld be getting ready for the holiday in Colombia we promised ourselves. But no, I am a —- up and I have to destroy myself. How long amd I going to be like this?
I do not know if I can cope being on my own. It sounds so pathetic, but t is true. I hate myself so much.