RUNNING AND GIVING UP CONTROL OF MY FINANCES SAVED ME
Dear MessyKris,
I hope you are well and alive. I was so shocked and concerned to see your message about killing yourself. I really hope I’m not too late in responding. I haven’t been online, but I have been focusing on getting better the whole time.
I can feel all the feelings you described. I am very familiar with the feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness.
To give you an update – I am very happy to have had improvements over the last 2 years. At one point, the thought of suicide never left me. The pain was so immense, and the grip that pokies had on me was so strong, one day I felt ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I went for a run at the park, I was crying profusely as I ran but I continued to run.
RUNNING SAVED ME:
I felt a little better after my very first run. I guess the dopamine and adrenaline your body produced from exercising really does help in making you feel good. From then on, I ran 5 days a week. I downloaded motivating songs (like eminem’s Lose Yourself) and a runnning app to my phone. I pushed myself to the limit when I run, when I run out of breath, and my heart was hurting, I told myself, YOU HAVE GAMBLED FOR NEARLY 10 YEARS, YOU HAVE GAMBLED 10 HOURS STRAIGHT, YOU CAN CERTAINLY RUN ANOTHER 5 MORE MINUTES BEFORE YOU STOP!
And so… the running went on for a year. I lost weight, I was eating healthy, I was no longer depressed. Exercise really helped tremendously in eliminating my depression and made me feel energised, motivated and happier.
My boyfriend was there controlling all my money the whole time. My salary went straight to his account, and he only gave me small amounts of money whenever I needed. He wasn’t the warmest and nicest to me at one point. He was cold, distant, unhappy and moody. I can understand why. But due to exercising and letting my boyfriend control my finances, things gradually improved. Since I wrote my first update on this website (just over 2 years) I managed to pay off all my credit card debts and have saved $23,000. (disclosure: I was living at my partner’s parents home to save on rent). I’m now starting a business after having raised enough money from friends by showing them my business plan and web prototype.
Over the last 2.5 years, I would have relapsed around 20 times and lost a total of $15k (rough estimation). This is a great improvement in comparison to the days when I gambled EVERY SINGLE DAY, and lose my entire pay packet within 2 days. However, the frequency of relapses reduced towards the end, and the duration between each relapse gets longer and longer. This year to date (23 July 2016), I’ve only relapsed 3 times (twice was triggered by the loss of my dad early this year), the last relapse happened last Wednesday which was what triggered me to look at my post again. My urges to play pokies have weakened tremendously. It still comes up once in a blue moon, but it’s far less than what it used to be.
Next week I’m going to attend GA meetings to strengthen my recovery journey.
Looking back, I am extremely happy with where I am today. It all started with a run in the park and then, opening up to my boyfriend and let him have full 100% control of my finances. I continued to hone my internpersonal relationhsip skills by reading books on it. (having meaningful and quality relationship makes you feel happy and strong.) One of the key things that motivate me to be pokies-free is my loved ones. I want to be the best that I can be for people i love, and be able to provide for them is what gives me the strenght to stand up again everytime I fall.
MessyKris, where are you now, and how are you doing?