Home all day today. Nearly all the laundry is done. Probably two loads left. I have been stir crazy. I have to force myself to do the housework. Made a sort of gumbo with the leftover turkey and ham. We will have that for dinner. Husband had to work today in order to have Thanksgiving off so it was the teenager and I together. He helped a little, but has been sick so I let him sleep in til 10:30.
Basically I have been planning a casino trip in my mind all day. In the past I would have tackled the housework and then used that as reason for a trip to slotville. I guess old habits are really hard to break. I won’t go. I won’t gamble. I just am having a hard time thinking of something else to do.
Now my husband is home and he is tired from working all day, he had to be at work at 6:30am. I, of course, am raring to go. Anywhere at this point to stop that longing to go and RUIN MY LIFE BY GAMBLING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??
He mentioned having a fire outside in the firepit. Maybe we can sit out there and just be. I have no idea how to get pleasure out of just being still anymore. I think I am doing good and moving on, and then a day like today, just makes me realize that all I am really doing is gambling in my mind.
This is not about the win. This is about habit. This is about boredom and wanting excitement. I watched a video the other day called Finding Joy. It is on youtube. It is about a woman named Joy chat was a CG. I couldn’t watch the whole thing. It was too depressing, but there was a part that showed the brain patterns of a CG and how the excitement center becomes dull. The brain has become immune to excitement because of overstimulus from gambling. It explains so much. It helps to know that my brain probably looks like that. I have been zapping it for many years with fast moving pictures and endorphins from expecting a big win. And now I am damaged. I have caused everything else to umderwhelm me.
Now what I need to know is if I can retrain my brain to feel excitement again?
