Hiya Logic
I realise now that when my CG was active I probably gave up listening for years before he sought recovery – I was always looking for the words to save him – so in retrospect I probably kept talking ‘at’ him.
He told me that when I came into the room, or he came home, he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t talk at that time – he wanted to change or settle down for a minute which seemed understandable. However what he really wanted was time to get his addiction into gear and ready for anything I was going to say. Looking back he was right – I was always questioning – asking for a return of money or what had happened to such and such, or why hadn’t he answered his mobile, etc. etc.. For my part I would dread opening my mouth because I knew I was going to be bamboozled and I stood outside many doors counting to at least 10.
When he changed his life, the questions (and the past) were still unanswered but I was confronted with such a difference in my CG that I was frozen into silence in case I mucked up anything that might suggest a true recovery. However, I am above all things a female, so in the end I talked. I asked him to help me, to help me get it right. He told me not to worry because if I messed up he now had people to turn to who could support him the right way. I was disappointed and I told him that I really wanted to get things right but that I needed help to do so – I didn’t want him walking away and feeling he had to get support because of something I had said or done wrong. So he told me little bits to start with and I listened and this worked for us.
Your CG has been living a difficult double life for so long – most CGs don’t actually know when they started, so to unravel such a long experience takes time, even years. Pennies are still dropping years later which is why a true recovery is such an on-going joy. CGs are impatient but recovery requires patience. I believe that F&F are impatient too – we want the polished article but we have to wait and the wait can be frustrating.
I asked my CG why it took so long and he told me that in the rehab a seed had been planted and they had watered it and tended it until it had grown into a visible shoot ready to be re-planted in the world. A shoot takes time to grow and longer to bud and a bud takes time to flourish – every day it requires maintenance until a long time later (maybe months or years) it blossoms.
You are part of the maintenance Logic – ask him to tell you when to water, when to feed and when to hold back. You may well make mistakes; I made a massive one but was able to explain that I still hadn’t completely understood and by then he knew that I was trying.
The judgy questions are the same as weeds; they choke the growth, so chuck ‘em on the compost heap. Keep doing what you are doing because you are doing well – listen and when in doubt say nothing. If your CG is in a true recovery you will have your answers in time – but let the blossom come first.
Your CG wants to live a gamble-free life. Living a ‘normal’ life does not require praise so, in my opinion, be interested but not effusive. Encourage by saying ‘I didn’t know that’ when he tells you how he feels without demanding more than he is prepared to give at any one time. Maybe come here, or to a group, to talk about what he has said and any questions you might have, rather than questioning him.
If I haven’t helped then come back to me – a different way of saying something is often necessary – and I have my listening ears firmly in place.
I hope you do well with your second interview
V
