Hi Witsend
What help did your partner get, how long ago did he seek that help and what prompted him to do so at that time? For many gamblers a life-time support is needed, it depends a lot on how much they are prepared to listen – and how much they accept the tools provided.
I am pleased that you don’t rely on him for financial security and I understand why you have bailed him out this time but normally I would be suggesting that a gambler’s debts are his responsibility because as soon as that responsibility is shouldered by someone else, the way is clear to gamble again – and sadly in your partners case, to get money in the same way again.
I suspect he would have gone deeper if he hadn’t realised what the consequences of his actions could be. We can only hope he will think about those consequences in advance before he is triggered to steal again in the hope that you will bail him out.
I fully understand why you don’t want to confide in friends and family and I know the response you get will probably be the one you expect – so – how about choosing someone you feel you can trust and tell them that your partner is a compulsive gambler; that you are seeking help; that you are willing to talk about the addiction but you don’t want opinions. Let them know yhou would like support for you at this time. Cut them off before they get to the ‘leave him’ bit.
Sadly, it will almost definitely be harder if a child enters this environment. At the moment your partner is not taking responsibility for himself and is therefore unlikely to be able to take responsibility for another very vulnerable human being.
The good news is that if he truly accepts his addiction and seeks good support, he can learn to live a gamble-free life which is often more exceptional for having fought this terrible addiction.
In my opinion it is unwise to give ultimatums unless you are positive that you can carry them out. If you believe that you cannot go through this again and you truly mean it, then you already know what is right for you.
Your partner needs support, I have never heard of anyone succeeding on their own. There is a lot of support nowadays as this addiction becomes more recognised. We have an excellent Helpline and ‘gambler only’ groups which are facilitated on Mondays and Thursday evenings. There are dedicated addiction counsellors and there is GA. Maybe you could find a Gam-Anon group for you, it is the sister group of GA.
I am going to leave my first reply to you there are wait to hear from you again. In the meantime, please look after yourself, your health matters, you matter. It would be great if you could join me in an F&F group where we can communicate in real time.
Velvet