Hi Vera
Thanks for your reply to my post. Despite me understanding this and, having been through what I have been through the last 4 weeks, I know that everytime I gamble it gets worse. The intensity increases, the amounts increase, my moods change. Even though I want to gamble, when I do it makes me depressed. I am elated, but depressed at the same time.
I have been thinking about it all day, but I seem to be more aware of the voice of my urges. I seem more aware of how i am constructing scenarios in my head. Yesterday I went to see my brother in Derby about 150 miles away from where I live. This morning I drove back. The drive home was hard = my head was full of negative thouyghts about the mess my life was in, what kind of future do I have, will I find a job – and how will I gamble?
Luckily I did not have my computer and we installed NetNanny on my computer so when I got home I couldnt gamble. My wife also hid her computer which was great, so therefore there was no way could place a bet without going to a bookies, and I have never done that before and have no urge to do that.
It’s monday morning now and once again I am full of regert and mistakes. I could have done so much more at the start of this year. I am in serious financial trouble, no work, worried, hating myself – freaking out about the future, frozen into panic.
Today is the start of day 6 of no gambling, so that is good. But it doesn’t take away my depression or the situation I have created. I feel hopeless, frightened. I simply cannot gamble in this state as it will make everything worse. But there are mments that, similar to drugs, if I did gamble I would at least forget about my worries for a short while. Even though that would absolutely make everything worse.
Well done to everyone on the posts who have remained gamble free and are sorting their lives out. I truly hope I can start to have some good news soon as I piece together my life again.