Hi Velvet,
Thank you so much for your reply. It is very helpful and supportive. In recent weeks I have read and read about compulsive gambling and the experiences of others (perhaps too much and perhaps time to step back a little!) and just still trying to figure out so many things. In the past few days I posted on the F&F forum of Gamcare and got several responses and they pretty much all were saying…how crazy?! How can you be with this guy? All the things he is doing go beyond him being a cg. Think hard about why you would be in such a relationship. And then of course, the usual take care of you and look after yourself and give it time and the answers will come up by themselves when you have more peace in your life. I know he is up against a huge challenge and that I have to decide how much I am willing to support him and what I actually can do. He can´t use the internet very easily in Cuba….there is limited access and it is expensive and while I am not there he generally literally has zero money. He tries to find 50c for some email time (which doesn´t give website access) and so we have been communicating by short email. He has sold his mobile phone so we haven´t talked by phone in the past couple of weeks and that is not a good option as it is so expensive. So we have email communication and I tend to write him my thoughts that way at the moment. He would not want to use this website from Cuba as he would be worried that people would monitor his history. Also he speaks, but does not read or write English, and I noticed that the Spanish section was quite limited, no? So…although at the moment I have told my husband that I am sitting tight in Mexico and waiting to see what he does…how he goes…what concrete actions he takes (knowing the limited options) to tackle his addiction and change his life (and he keeps asking me when I am going back to Cuba and saying how he needs me, but I have to see him somehow changing first and for a length of time), and also just taking the time for me, to rest and recover some strength and to learn more about cg and be clearer what I want to do. I am struggling to find the balance between being supportive and giving him hope and at the same time applying tough love and some conditions (me not coming back, me looking for concrete changes that he makes, his effort for honesty between us)…this also because I am not clear what I want and how much more I can invest in what is so much his battle, but also one that he has never had anyone understand or be able to support in the past. And…no one in his family understands, no friends do…for them it is just bad behaviour that he just needs to stop…and he feels a lot of shame about it. His mother knows and has bailed him out throughout his life, to the best of her ability as she is poor, but also just reaches out to help him every time she feels he is suffering and in trouble after a gambling episode, but i became the default person to …manipulate to get money out of and bail out and to look to for support. I feel my husband has been very open about his gambling since he confessed to me a few months ago, but hates to communicate about it…hates to think about it too much (of course). He is from a very different machista culture…men don´t talk about stuff and he hates to talk about his difficult past – so it is very hard for him to reflect on his gambling history and the triggers. Anyway, this was a fast reply….shot off quickly..I am still really trying to think what I want to do in all this…I thought I wanted to support him and at the same time I know there are a lot of other issues besides the gambling…the life of gambling and a life on the street from the age of 12 so intertwined. I know for now he comes from a very needy place in the relationship. I know I need to sit back too and see what he does.
I would love to take part in the support group tomorrow, but don´t know how it works…how to make the box go green and join in as it says in the instructions on the page. And it would be great to talk by phone on the Helpline too.
Thank you..I will keep reflecting and learning! I am so glad to have found this site.
