Hi velvet,
Again thank you for your reply. Your responses mean so much and your words always ring so much truth with how I’m feeling and almost puts my feelings into words for me to better understand this addiction. Reading them brings me to tears as it hits home so much.
To know there are ppl out there who have over came their addiction gives me so much hope. I hope to god I can say the same one day but it is very selfish of me to say that sometimes I get angry at the thought of him sorting himself after the addiction has taken so much of me that I fear I’ll never get bk such as hope, trust, love. I fear one day he’ll be happy and gamble free but I don’t think I’ll ever get over this, Ive lost him now, I know I can’t go back regardless so I’ve lost my love to this, I’ve lost hope of finding anyone else I’ll ever love and I doubt I’ll trust ever again as this addiction to me has been invisible whereas he knew what he was doing and when he had stopped etc, I was constantly living in fear daily. For him when he stops gambling his new life can begin, I’ll always be afraid of what I can not see. Even writing this I know that probably doesn’t make sense to anyone and is extremely selfish. I kno that, I want him to sort it out, I need him to to be the dad I need for our son but my heart still breaks as I kno I’ve lost my partner forever and eventually regardless of the addiction continuing or he wins this battle which I hope to god he does, I still have so much heartbreak to endure.
I know I shouldn’t feel guilty as I know none of us should, I know it’s not our faults, i know this is an addiction but sometimes I just need to let those feelings out, my head tells me a different story, I can be very logical with it all and understand as much as I possibly can but sometimes my feelings just don’t match my head and I let them all out on this page especially when I’m having a low day like today.
“Why prod the sleeping beast” – exactly. This has been the very attitude of the family and I can understand it. Why prod indeed. I know it’s human nature to ignore the issues as long as it isn’t affecting their life’s. I told his family years ago stupidly thinking I would be thrown a life line, it’s only caused me more disappointment as I’ve felt so let down and had not only no support but going behind my back to enable him which I can’t quite understand. It enrages me. It’s one thing to ignore and hope it goes away and to be so ignorant to the addiction but to enable it when the person themselves has said do not give me money under no circumstances is another. Just Saturday night there I was met with pictures of them at a casino. I almost feel like they r taking my face and rubbing it into mud. this is their brother who has left me devastated and in debt and left our son without his father in his home and they think it’s to to take him to a casino knowing this very addiction is the root of all our problems. I just find it so disrespectful as I sit in the house heartbroken and struggling to pay our debts, yet they act like they have done not a thing wrong. This addiction isn’t publicised enough at all and there so many Ppl out there who aren’t aware of how much it grips onto ppl and ruins life’s. I continuously preach to those who r lucky enough to be ignorant to it too but often it’s met with an uncaring response but I never let ppl brush it off as nothing as ive met so many ppl who do not believe it can be an “addiction” – lucky them.
Im so glad you found yourself again. I’m so glad you cg has the addiction under control. I’m so glad ur on here to point me in the right direction and to give me hope that one day I’ll at least remember who I am. Thank you
Michelle