It was nice to meet you in the group the other day and I was sorry you had to rush off. Much of what you said resonates with me and my own experiences. I have been around in a big circle and look at things with very different eyes now.
Firstly be aware what you are having a relationship with now is not the man but the addiction, he is in full gambling mode (you don’t need to be constantly gambling to be in the mode). The addiction is telling him not to let you in, not to talk to you about it, that he needs it more than you, if he can provoke an argument then he will have time for his first love – gambling. The man is lost in all of this somewhere, you are not relating to him at all.
Because of this and the fact he doesn’t even want to talk about his addiction much less tackle it I would personally suggest you at the very least keep him at arms length. You could try perhaps writing to him explaining that moving closer can’t be an option at the moment as you are not prepared to be compromised and responsible for him. That you are happy to continue a relationship with him but you no longer wish to drink or gamble with him/be around him when he is because you feel it is not a positive thing for him. That if things did change in the future that you may consider moving forward but that it is impossible at this time, a least that is how I may of dealt with it in retrospect.
Drinking by the way can be a huge trigger for gambling the two often go very much hand in hand.
7 years ago I took my partner in when he got into a lot of problems with his gambling so much so his life was in danger. We went through many stages over many months from minimizing it to finally accepting help to appease me, it was the hardest time of my life. When he gambled again during residential treatment we split up (I left him as I told him I would if he did).
It was horrendous to get so far and fall at the last hurdle. However he went on with his treatment, it was a struggle for him and for me not to take him back when he emailed, though I did answer them. Anyway to cut a long story short we are now back in touch, I can finally see he is more the man than the addiction. He has to work on it and has not been consistently ‘clean’ over the last 4 years but he is emerging. I love him dearly, we have a wonderful relationship but I would not have him living with me again. My plan is to enjoy the man, I reject the gambling, that his problem, I don’t bring it up there is no need to as long as it doesn’t affect me and as long as there is enough of the man for me to relate to, it is good for both of us. He can continue his recovery and I don’t have the stress and sickening anxiety. It is something i will have to keep checking myself on though. Perhaps one day he will be totally gamble free but I don’t live waiting for that day to come and accept it may not. He will always be a CG regardless recovery never stops even after 20 years clean they still need to remain mindful.
Sorry to go off on one about my own life, lol, it was to illustrate a point honest! I hope some of it helps, Lily x