Hi Sunny
If my response to you gave you half of what I felt the evening that I became aware that I was not alone, that I was not mad and that there was hope for me; I would be very happy.
I also did not tell anybody else what was going on in my life, due to my confusion, shame and guilt – but mostly because it felt disloyal, which in hindsight was misplaced loyalty.
I know now that the addiction to gamble is the last thing that a person who has ever placed a bet wants to end up with – it is horrific and soul destroying. Your husband would love to bet responsibly but he can’t and he doesn’t know why. You are gaining knowledge here that he does not have and which he will not be willing to listen to, until he is ready.
I would never suggest that you leave or stay with your husband, all decisions have to be yours but informed decisions are better than acting ‘in the heat of the moment’ and possibly living with regret.
I think that ‘on the ground’ support is the excellent but asking for support from families and friends can often result in unhelpful opinions and suggestions. I believe in telling loved ones that ********** has an addiction to gamble which he neither asked for nor wanted but that you are getting professional help to deal with it. However, you would appreciate them being there for you, being positive for you and helping you to enjoy your life while you are going through this difficult patch which you know you will come through.
Nothing you said sounded unsupportive but maybe the following will help you; it is a method that has been used successfully by many for dealing with a loved one with a gambling addiction.
Imagine when you have conversations with your husband that his addiction is a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you are not talking about gambling and keep your cool it will stay in the corner.
Your husband is controlled by his addiction beast but you are not and nor will you be unless you allow it. When you threaten it by raising anything to do with gambling, the beast leaps between you and takes control of the conversation. It is the master of threats and manipulation and will have you in the middle of an argument without you knowing how you got there. Arguments give it reason to breathe so that it can blame you for all the problems, thus exonerating itself from blame.
Once the addiction beast is fully activated you will only hear the beast speak and because it thrives on lies and deceit it will seek to demoralise you; when you speak, your husband hears your words as though through water, your lips move but the addiction-distorted words don’t make sense.
The CG in my life explained it to me in this way: While I was explaining to him that if he told the truth and lived honestly he would be happy; his addiction-distorted mind was convincing him that I was lying, that only his addiction would save him. When I told him I loved him he believed I was lying because as he said ‘who would love the unlovable, worthless failure’ his addiction had convinced him that he was? Lost and afraid he fought back with more lies, blame and deceit because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he is going to be different. I think it is good, although difficult, to block out the lies because by wanting to believe them, you become receptive. If you can stand back and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first, you will become stronger and able to reclaim and control your own life.
Your husband is not responsible for himself at the moment and a further life for him to worry about ‘could’ cause him further anxiety. To control an addiction requires further selfish behaviour; your husband will need to concentrate on himself and his actions and it doesn’t happen overnight. . You must do what is right for you; however, I do not have a crystal ball!
Putting your interests and happiness first is really important while your husband’s addiction is controlling him. When a CG seeks recovery he will face unnecessary guilt and shame even though his actions as an active CG were not designed to hurt deliberately. The less wreckage there is will make his hope of controlling his addiction much easier. Furthermore, the more you do for you at this time, the stronger you will be for the rest of your life. I do believe that turning a bad experience into a good lesson in life is the best way of poking a stick in the eye of the gambling addiction.
I will end there because I think there is so much to learn at the beginning that it is hard to take it all on board but please keep posting you are doing well. I hope you find a counsellor who has a good knowledge of addiction; general counsellors can sometimes be a trifle unhelpful!
Speak soon
Velvet