Hi Sunflower
Nobody should ever tell you to leave or to stay – what you do has to be ‘your’ decision but decisions are best made with knowledge and that is hopefully what you are receiving here.
I cannot tell you when he will stop appearing to go backwards. Your boyfriend’s time in rehab and his gamble-free time since are steps forward and any steps forward are good in the overall fight. Slips and relapses are not compulsory but many gamblers experience them as they try to control their addiction – slips need not necessarily be seen as negative in that they can wake the gambler up when he has become complacent but of course this is not always the case.
My suggestion to you would be to do nothing while you are so undecided about what you want – stand still, listen to him, possibly help him manage his finances and yes – possibly see him crash. He is getting warnings but his addiction is telling him that they are wrong – he knows what he is doing.
Laying down terms is a waste of energy while he is not listening – he could promise you the earth and mean every word but such promises disappear in a trice when his addiction demands to be fed.
Sometimes separating is the only answer but you are the only person who can know if this is right for you and is what you want. What doesn’t work is ultimatums – if you threaten to leave then it is important that you are prepared and ready to do so. There is no right or wrong – every individual fighting this addiction is different. There is no shame if you feel you cannot continue and there is no shame if you choose to stay.
Your boyfriend can control his addiction or I would not be writing to you, he has proved that he can live gamble-free. Complacency is the enemy of gamblers and I suspect he has become complacent.
Keep that vital communication open and also with his therapist – sadly nobody can force him to stop gambling but he has a better chance to do so with support.
Keep posting Sunflower. I have been in your shoes and I know that you will know what is right for you when the time comes
Velvet