Hi Sk
As I said in my first reply, I think you did incredibly well writing such a difficult post.
It is common to think that a partner who gambles is having an affair and in many ways it is true that they are, except their loved one is not another woman but an addiction with more devious ways than any woman will ever have.
Your partner has lied to you to cover for his addiction. At some time he has gambled like so many other people without a care in the world, little suspecting that for him lay a path of addiction and distorted thinking. By the time your partner realised he had a problem it probably would have been too difficult for him to explain to anybody, so he adopted lies to help him cope. The addiction takes away self-esteem and self-confidence leaving the gambler confused/angry/frightened/desperate resulting in moods that are unacceptable to those they love.
Active CGs find it very difficult to accept responsibility for their actions and they often struggle more when children arrive needing a responsible parent. This is not to say that your partner cannot be a good parent once he takes responsibility for himself.
It would not surprise me at all if his parents had not known the cause of your problem long before you told them; I believe that by telling them you merely confirmed their worst fears. They are probably unnecessarily ashamed which is why you possibly have not heard from them since. They now have the problem under their roof and that is scary for them.
You are not the biggest grass and you are not even the littlest grass ever, you are caring, you are lost and I believe you have done the best thing by coming here and by telling them..
I really hope you will join one of our F&F groups this week, either on Tuesday or Thursday between 10 and 11 pm (22.00 -23.00 hours UK time) where we can communicate in real time. They are safe and anonymous and nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
I would imagine your boyfriend is feeling pretty lousy and angry at the moment but that is his problem, not yours, his behaviour has created this situation and it is not your fault. It is common for compulsive gamblers to blame those closest BUT and it is a big BUT – if he accepts his problem and determines to change his life he can be the man you fell in love with forever; if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
Pleading, shouting, crying, threatening a CG when they are actively gambling is a waste of time because they just don’t hear, so when he emerges from his self-imposed hibernation, it would be better to just ask him to talk to you, to help you understand and listen to what he has to say.
He does need treatment, I have yet to meet a CG who has learned to control his gambling successfully without support but the support on this site, in GA, in GMA (If you are in the UK), in dedicated addiction counselling.
Given time and knowledge of the addiction to gamble you will be able to make up your own mind what it is that ‘you’ want but in the meantime keep posting, join our groups and look after yourself and your children. Nobody here would ever suggest that you give up on your relationship or that you put up with poor behaviour but with knowledge it is easier to make informed decisions and there is a lot to say about support for those who own this addiction and those who live with them.
Velvet
