Hi Silhouette,
I also found your username interesting. When I was living with my CG, I felt like a shadow of the person I really am. He was so self-centred that my life and needs were always secondary – or even further down the list as he gradually grew to hate me the more I resisted his problem. I am still grieving the pure, innocent love we once had before his gambling addiction destroyed everything, and I still pray every day that he will find recovery, although we have now been separated for five months…and I know how unlikely it is as all his friends and his parents are enabling him.
But I just wanted to say that I also experienced the abuse, the blaming, the guilt…my self-esteem was crushed by my relationship with my CG, and now I am out of that situation I recover a little more each day, and my life is blossoming into what it should have been before his addiction got hold of me. It’s really amazing the things that are happening for me now, and I want to say that you can have this recovery too. I had to leave my CG to recover myself, that may not be the case for you, but I would like to echo the advice given in other posts to put yourself first.
As you begin to take care of yourself the dynamic between you and your girlfriend will change. Either she will see that she needs recovery, or she will resist more and more…whatever the outcome, it will be clear to you what you need to do to protect yourself. Taking care of yourself, as hard and painful as the actions you may have to take in order to do that may be, is a win-win situation for you both. Refusing to enable your gf is the most loving thing you can do for her, although she may not see that now, or ever.
If you are feeling suicidal you must get help now. You don’t deserve this. Take care of yourself.