Hi Shirley
A compulsive gambler will often feign tiredness and illness giving him time to think out how he is going to answer the next question or to avoid going to work when his addiction has caused him to fail again. Lack of sleep is usually due to his addiction going round and round in his head thinking of how to get money for the next gamble. His misery is more than likely due to his disappointment over a gamble rather than feelings of guilt. It is understandable that you keep saying the same things over and over but the addiction creates so much white noise in his mind that he probably isn’t hearing you. Trying to get him to make sense of his senseless behaviour takes the energy out of you and doesn’t get you anywhere.
Your son can control his addiction even with all the slot machines in the pubs and restaurants but he will need to use the tools he has been given – only he can do this of course. Saying that he is embarrassed about walking into such places to pour his money into slot machines is, I suggest, paying lip service. Once he is triggered he will not feel embarrassment, only a desire to gamble.
I have re-read what I have written and it is a very sorry message – however, as I have said earlier he can control his addiction and that is what is important for you to know. How old is he Shirley? Are you and your husband in agreement about the way you want to support your son? I ask this because the addiction is divisive and it is common for parents to find themselves arguing over who is doing what. A united front is the best thing for your son.
It is important that you sleep at night Shirley. Worry will not help your son but it will affect your health. If you become ill with stress then you will not be able to help yourself or him – it is, therefore, essential that you look after you.
I think that debit cards are ok when there is some appreciation of money but from what you have said it doesn’t seem that your son’s addiction is at that stage yet – money is, therefore, only a means with which to gamble. It doesn’t matter if he gambles with 20p or £2,000, the act of gambling keeps his addiction juiced in his brain. Was the £20, that you put on his card, money that he had earned?
If he does post on this, or another, addiction therapy site, I suggest that you do not read what he has written. A gambler will lie but other gamblers know this – gamblers in control of their addiction will say – ‘you can’t kid a kidder!’ There is often a lot of lies surrounding what a gambler will say in early recovery, even to those who understand him – it only distresses F&F who are wanting to see only truth. His true recovery will start when he is ready – you will not know which is the true one when it starts and nor will he – but start they do.
I really hope you will join me this evening, in a group, or soon because there are things to say that do not appear on the forum.
Velvet
